I’m sure all of us have experienced post-vacation blues to some extent, but for me, I now see there is a consistent pattern for which trips I experience this phenomenon.
This pattern recognition came about after experiencing some not so memorable trips…
My solo trips to Sweden and Vancouver felt blasé. They were safe and something I can pat myself on the back for doing “on my own”, but I was relieved to get back home (at the time)to Orange County after BOTH of those trips…
My solo day trips around Italy last year—to Genoa, Venice, Florence, Bologna, and Verona were days I remember dragging myself around with ennui. I was walking everywhere, taking pictures where I was supposed to, but I felt miserable, cranky, and angry, mostly because I was indeed homesick.
I left for my Geneva work trip excited, but with certain circumstances that popped up, I came back to Milan exhausted/happy it was over—I could go further to say that by May’s end, I had never been more excited about going back to Houston.
So, which trips made me feel sad when I returned home because I enjoyed them so much?
Every single trip I’ve made to India (I always came back severely exhausted and jetlagged since childhood, but it was always worth it).
When I saw my sister and best friend in Austin last summer after a (tough) year away in Italy. We spent a few days altogether, and I remember after driving back to my parents’ house, I couldn’t help but cry from the happiness I experienced/the emotional crash once I realized it was over.
The blessing of making multiple trips home this year to Houston for my Dad and Austin for my sis. Ha, even Las Vegas, the home of my best friend, made its way in here!
The common denominator was not the places I visited or the attractions I saw.
It was the people. It was family—both by blood and chosen.
On my former blog (Will Study for Food), I actually recapped the time five years ago when we reconnected with my cousin and her family in Wales. At the time, it was a reunion after 17 years! Compared to that decade-and-then-some, reuniting after five years this time around seemed like nothing. Even with COVID sandwiched in for two years, it felt like no time had passed since our last meeting.
Except when it comes to children, five years is an incredibly large chunk of time! My cousin’s daughters P and M were 14 and 8, respectively, when I met them all five years ago. Now, they pretty much transitioned into the next phase of life, while I went from 25 to 30 not feeling like much has changed for me.
P is old enough to make elaborate, home-cooked breakfasts now. I was IMPRESSED.
While I had a phenomenal time with my cousin and family at Newton Beach, thrifting in Bristol, and traversing through Birmingham, I thought I’d shift away from the standard “travel recap” and use this post to comment on something else.
Thrifting in BristolPani Puri in DudleyDrinks at Dishoom in BirminghamA hot British summer at Newton Beach
My last morning in Cardiff, my cousin generously made us both coffee (like she did on all the days I visited, haha) but this time, she suggested we sip on our drinks out on the patio. With the babies trying to join in, it led to a really great conversation that I didn’t want to end.
The babies I’m referring to
But, I unfortunately had a flight to catch, and it included a stop at dreaded ORLY in Paris…
The fact is, I love these types of conversations. Even if they’re brief, they have the potential to dive deep. I’m the kind of person who will chat your ear off, but only if you have an interest to hear what I have to say. So, it often leads to people assuming I’m “quiet” when in fact, I just don’t want to bore you.
I’ve had similar “coffee and conversation” moments with other cousins and family members in the past, but sometimes I still held back. In those moments, I hesitated to bring up sensitive topics like my Mom and my eating disorder, because I wasn’t sure if I was emotionally ready enough to handle any type of reaction that could result.
As I’ve gotten older, I welcome these conversations. With each one that I have, it’s a bit easier to reveal the most of myself without feeling doubt or shame. Ha, I’m sure anyone who is curious about my life and is connected with me via WhatsApp has had a chance to peruse this blog (my profile pic has become an advert for it 😂, since I don’t do social media anymore). Even if it was just to be nosy, I hope the posts I’ve written—especially the vulnerable ones—got their point across…
Looking back at the short trip I made, I enjoyed the conversation of that serene Sunday morning the most out of all the things I did. It reminded me that it doesn’t matter where I am in the world, but as long as I am with people I love and enjoy being around (even better with a cup of coffee in hand), that is what a real vacation is.
Lovely Birmingham
Are you a “people person” often mistaken as a pure introvert?Leave a comment with your thoughts!
I value having paid vacation. Days off for fill-in-the-blank leave. But like with anything else in this world, there has to be balance, and it has to make sense.
When I was in grade school, my school adopted a novel-for-that-era schedule. From 3rd grade through 5th grade (6th grade I left for middle school), I was on a year-round schedule, meaning that the school was open year-round, but parents had the choice to put their kids in one out of four tracks.
We had red, yellow, green, and blue tracks, and their distinguishing factor was what months each track got off.
My parents were intrigued by blue track because the off months were perfect for traveling sans crowds. September? January? May? Sure, their kids would have to sit in class during the traditional dog days of summer, but at least they could plan a long trip to India in the off-season and save hundreds on our flights.
I personally wanted to be in red track, because naïve little me thought I could use third grade to win over Jainey’s friendship, even though she made it clear time and time again I could never fit in with her Filipino clique.
But I digress…
Looking back, I’m glad I got to have that unique experience. We had some really amazing family trips during our off months those years, and I think they might not have been so great if we had to battle summer crowds.
Also, going to school during the summer wasn’t *too* bad. My teachers were usually lax, and we got to do more activities outside, while cooling off with treats like popsicles and ice cream cups after a long, hot week—if my teachers thought we were deserving of it!
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I eventually got to experience my years of a real “American summer break” once I hit middle and high school, but family vacations were no longer the priority. They couldn’t be, since I was worrying about college and figuring out how to use my time wisely. Long story short, it really didn’t matter, and I do wish I hadn’t been so anxious about things out of my control at such a tender age…
Because I was so used to working through “traditional vacation time” (a lot of my high-achieving, “poor student” friends were), I entered my PhD not batting an eye at the thought of spending almost every day in the lab in some form. For a five-year period, I was able to find moments to carve out time away, but it was never in the form of an elaborate, dedicated vacation.
Even if I was away, I was always “on-call”. In fact, my Dad can attest to the fact I always had some anxiety-ridden episode during my “time off” because one of my undergrad students would message me with a mini-emergency, or my boss would send an urgent email.
I once got in trouble for going home for Thanksgiving. I ended up having a heated meeting with my boss, and even the question of “do PhD students even get time off?” was brought up in conversation. It’s a sad occurrence that is brushed over in the real world, but PhD students don’t have mandated days off. They are at the mercy of their superiors, but even if they do get the okay, the guilt that follows is incredible. When working in the lab, there is never a “good time” to leave…
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When I first came to Italy, I was excited about the thought of the mandated 20 vacation days I heard so much about. I was thrilled about finally having the chance to achieve work-life balance, but what I didn’t realize was that academia is the same all over the world. Even though I was working in Italy, I was working in a lab, so the “standard rules didn’t apply”. It was like I was doing my PhD all over again, and it was one of the many factors that contributed to my misery…
Hot city, minimal traffic – Milan in August
Now that I’m working a “real world” job, I finally have the chance to experience a true “vacation” period, but being Italy, there is always a catch.
Since my contract switched from the US-to-Italy mid-year, my yearly vacation days were adjusted as well. Unfortunately, I “had” to use a good chunk of them during the August period, since that’s when the company I work for (along with most establishments in Italy) closes up shop to “vacation”.
According to this article, abandoning “real life” for the majority of August is an Italian tradition dating back to the BC era. But if I’m being honest, it’s a kooky one that desperately needs to be relooked.
I mean, the article says some Italians have taken out loans this year just to vacation in August. Um, WHAT?!
Why with the criticism and lack of appreciation for the fact I even have time off finally? Because at the end of the day, there is no freedom in this procedure.
It means not being able to plan an October trip to Malta with my lab bestie from Germany, but rather forced to spend two weeks staring at the ceiling because I am “stuck” in the city. It can be incredibly annoying for those few who are still working/forced to be in the city, since even essential establishments like pharmacies can close up. Google becomes incredibly inaccurate during this time, and not being able to know if a place is *truly* open fuels the frustration even more…
Valentina? Myriam? Seriously?
Lucky for me, my cousin in Cardiff had a change of plans with her summer vacation and I’m actually heading over there for a long-overdue visit this weekend, but if that idea didn’t occur to me, I would indeed be abandoned in the ghost town that is Milano.
If I was “abandoned” in Austin, I could at least count on some vegan restaurants being open. Nothing that I value would be open in Milan…
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This is not to say a dedicated period for time off is “bad”, but forcing everyone to take time off during the period (by mandate or peer pressure) is counterproductive to say the least.
I mean, I get you can’t convince a Boomer to change his/her ways, so have it at August ya’ll! But do I have to be dragged along?
I wouldn’t mind if my superiors got priority to leave in August and I was asked to take leave in the fall (like how it works with my lab bestie’s company in Germany). In fact, I’d be thrilled by it. This would also be of benefit to companies since they can continue to be productive, even if “half-staffed”. Depending on one’s job, it’s not that hard to take on extra tasks temporarily if it means a well-deserved vacation later.
I’m also the kind of person who prefers scattered breaks throughout the year. I have 20 days? Let me do a week off every three months or so…pair it with some national holidays, and BOOM, constant feeling of refreshment while still maintaining productivity!
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Of course, there are people out there that disagree, but I’m a mature individual who encourages discussion and respects healthy discourse. I just think that if we are touting the notion that “one size does NOT fit all” in most topics this day and age—from working style to body image to sleep—how we vacation is something that should be rethought and not another thing to overlook as a tradition everybody loves.
Ha, I’m that American who shakes her head every time she passes a “chiuso per ferie” sign 🤦🏽♀️
It’s common to see these signs posted up in August…
What do you think about how Italians approach mandated vacation?
Do you prefer flexibility with your vacation or like that there is a designated, uniform period for time off?
I haven’t been in a wordy mood lately. Probably because I’ve been deep in thought and discussion about recent world and domestic events.
Whenever touchy subjects come up in daily conversation, I think back to this post I wrote. It’s healthy to have opinions and free discourse—that’s when learning and growth happens—what isn’t so great is when someone forces their opinion on someone else and it impacts their lives negatively.
And I guess that’s politics in a nutshell: a constant back-and-forth between (primarily) two dominant groups who believe “the other guy” is wrong.
I personally try to take the approach of never forcing anyone to agree with me, but I do my best to lead by example. I take the time to educate myself about topics—political, social, cultural—and will of course come into my opinions based on what I’ve learned, the experiences I’ve had, and the stories I’ve heard from others (whether they’ve had similar or different experiences from mine).
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Being a scientist and very much into primary sources and sharing links (lol), I wanted to share some resources that could be helpful in the coming months as we near the midterms. Even if you’re a reader who is not an American citizen, sharing this info with your American friends would do wonders…
If you haven’t already, register to vote:
If you are able to vote in the upcoming midterms (Tuesday, November 8th), please take the time to register now and start doing your research on the state officials who will be on your ballot this fall: https://vote.gov/
Not all states allow for online registration, so it’s best to take care of things well before deadlines.
Vote, even if you’ll be overseas:
If you are an American citizen working overseas, here’s the link to register with the state that you consider your domicile:
Volunteer to help others register to vote or on election day:
Remind others who are able to vote to register too. If you have the time and are able to do so, volunteer to help register voters or get people to the polls on election day. “Overly complicated or challenging registration processes are one of the most common forms of voter suppression, and they disproportionately impact communities of color”: this blog post lists five ways to volunteer
An interesting map…
My deep thoughts and discussions with others in recent days lead me to this striking visual:
It is a global map showing how abortion laws are carried out throughout the world. Regardless of where one stands on the issue, I think the map is pretty powerful in demonstrating how even on a global scale, accessibility stands at being completely prohibited to completely unrestrictive.
I prefer sharing informational resources vs. screenshots of so-called Twitter saviors 😉
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We are living in really heated times, and it’s important to remember we are all processing things differently. Some people will get snappy for what seems like no reason, but we’re all going through something, even if it seems like the world is after only us.
Be open-minded. Be proactive. But most of all, be kind.
Making friends as an adult is HARD work, but to be honest, making friends as a kid was just as exhausting!
My Dad used to tell me that apparently I was quite popular in Pre-K in the UK. When we moved back stateside, I also remember being quite giggly and playful on the playgrounds of Oklahoma. I have no idea where those girls I made quick friends with are now, but being six and seven was pure heaven!
When we moved to California, things began to change in how my friendliness was perceived. My perky Oklahoma-grown personality was not received well by my judgey Californian classmates. The first seeds of self-doubt and “wanting to be liked” planted themselves within me, and boy, did they continue to grow from that point on…
While I wasn’t successful in building up the popularity I had in the UK and Oklahoma in California, as I got older, I thankfully had a peppy younger sister who prevented me from feeling completely like a loner…she gathered neighborhood kids, invited all sorts of fun gals to birthday parties and sleepovers, and never shied away from befriending the new kid in class.
But one day, puberty got a hold of her and the unabashed vulnerability she once had when meeting people was hammered away. In middle school, I learned about fake friendships, and faced first-hand how really mean girls could be. I was told to my face by two different girls in the 6th grade, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”, out of nowhere.
Like, who does that and feels good about themselves?
So, great friendships were not a thing of middle or high school, given the circumstances. Thankfully, my sister’s early days of gathering neighborhood kids to play with us helped us forge a bond with our friend C, who I’ve known for 21 years now! But besides C, I wasn’t able to form any ever-lasting friendships throughout college. During my PhD, I became friends with E, a visiting scholar from Germany and a girl I had some crazy adventures around LA with, but when she went back to Germany in late 2017, I realized that becoming an adult means the definition of a friend changes.
While we desire for a friend to be someone we can be our true selves around, without pressure or judgement, I think in adulthood, the definition of a friend extends to “a warm, live being with a brain to accompany you for dinner”. At least, when you become an expat who’s traveled to a new country by herself.
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Given the pandemic, a not-so-great work environment, and a recurrent battle with depression, my first 1.5 years in Italy did not offer ample opportunities to make friends. There were language exchanges and one-time meetings with other expat women I met through a local WhatsApp group, but nothing that led to substantial relationships. In recent months, I decided I would review my current approach and “experiment” with a different strategy, as any scientist would do 😉, and “report my findings”.
I was inspired to try one strategy in particular, after my sister reported her success in Austin, TX. She signed up for Bumble BFF for the purpose of finding a group of reliable, relatable girlfriends she could hang out with in the city. After about six months on the app, she ended up forging relationships with a solid group of three girls, and now they meet for book club, weekend get-togethers, and all of their partners are boy buds too!
Needless to say, I was inspired, but I also knew that Milan might not result in a similar outcome…it’s an international city, yes, but expats are fleeting beings—all the girls I met between 2020-2021 through the WhatsApp group I am a part of, I only met once. There is one girl, I think I met twice, but given I left IG, I don’t have her contact anymore 😬..
Still, I decided to give it a go, since I was back in Milan for the month of May. I started a Bumble BFF profile within the first few days of coming back. The first Monday I was back was a national holiday in Italy, and for some reason, I felt like I *needed* to have plans to avoid being “lonely” on the random holiday. So while I got started on the Bumble BFF app, I left a message on the tried-and-true WhatsApp group I am a part of:
I wasn’t met with crickets for once. In a matter of minutes, I was able to schedule a lunch with one girl AND a mini late coffee with another girl, the latter of which ended up being a party-of-three deal since another girl messaged me later asking if she could join! I didn’t click too much with the girl from lunch, but I spent a lovely three hours with the two ladies I met for coffee (at a trendy place in Navigli, Tenoha Coffee). We liked each other so much, that we ended up meeting for aperitivo later that week—with two other girls I met previously at separate times.
It was the first time I felt like I took initiative to organize a “girl’s night out” and succeeded.
Coffee from later in the dayAperitivo a few days later, with a non-alcoholic cranberry drink per me
Once matches on Bumble BFF began to roll in, I’d say I had fun “surveying the samples”. Let’s be real—70% of the profiles that popped up look like this, and major eye rolls ensued on my end, each time:
And talk about trying to plug oneself! The sheer number of profiles with IG handles and the excuse of “I don’t use Bumble a lot, hit me up on IG!” No honey, I do not want to follow you on Instagram…
Never met this girl but YASS, tell it like it is SIS. (Roughly translates to – “please stay away from those who are only looking for new followers on Instagram.”)
Still, I sifted through the cookie-cutter profiles and was able to match with some girls who were able to handle conversations, at first…
I found that I was always the one initiating meet-ups. The purpose of this app is to find and make friends, that you meet in real life. I had no desire to waste my time sending “hey”s back and forth, which some young ladies on the app seemed perfectly fine doing 🤷🏽♀️
Since I also went on a work trip to Geneva this past month, I was able to see new profiles as my location changed. The type of profiles I saw definitely changed from what I saw in Milan—there were a lot more North American expats, women in law or international-based positions, and a collectively “keen” interest to meet outdoors 😂
I obviously never met any Geneva-based ladies, but I was fascinated with comparing what I saw in Geneva with what I saw in Milan.
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Overall, I think the app works with finding friends that fit my “new definition”, but finding quality friends for life will definitely take time and work from both parties. Sure, I’ve met some really great ladies so far, but time will tell if these acquaintances will turn into solid friendships in the future.
In the meantime, I recommend that any expat woman (or woman living in a new city, for that matter) give Bumble BFF or similar networking apps a shot. Even scouting for the local WhatsApp or MeetUp group for women in the city increases your chances of finding someone you click with.
At least try, before complaining that it’s impossible to make friends as an adult 🙃
At the same time, I think we should keep in mind of the following in our “quest” for friends:
Go in with intention
Why do you want to meet new people? Is it more casual in the sense that you just want someone to accompany your for dinner or coffee? Or do you feel like it’s essential to spend quality time with quality people, doing activities that you have a common interest in?
For me, I’m not going to waste time with girls who are purely searching for a buddy to take IG pics with, pretending to have fun. While my “runner gal pal with a dog and penchant for coffee and vegan food” has yet to be found, my intention with using these types of apps is to build potential friendships with like-minded people. To build a mini support system of sorts in a foreign land…
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but three strikes, you’re out
The thing about putting yourself out there and initiating things is, you learn how to spot flaky people, very quickly. And there will always be flakes. Despite the numerous occasions in my life I’ve been notified last minute with “I’m sooooooo sorry! Something came up at work!” or “Hey! I feel really bad but I can’t make it today…”, I still find myself giving people a chance (honestly, I thought flakiness was a Californian thing…it’s prevalent in Milan too, unfortunately).
First time it doesn’t work out, no worries. Second time, alright, but it better be a good reason, and after the third time? If there’s still an excuse, I’m done. At that point, it’s clear someone doesn’t want to make the effort, so why waste my time? It sounds like a harsh approach, but it saves so much headache in the long run.
Unfortunately, I encountered a few of these girls on the app this month. Some of these girls who had given me excuses multiple times even had the gall to shoot a “hey” message, out of the blue, with no follow-up.
So, do you want to meet-up? Do you want to get a coffee and use this app for the reason it was intended? No? Bye.
When you make plans with someone, prioritize it like a job interview
One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone agrees to meet at a specific day and time, does not follow-up at all, and literally five minutes before the planned meeting time, they pop in with a message saying, “Hey! I’m sorry something came up!” or “Oh my gosh, I’m really sorry but I’m running 1 hour late”.
Seriously? No.
Sure, emergencies pop up. Things out of our control take precedence, but if it happens all the time with the same person? It’s definitely a huge red flag for me. If someone can’t be respectful of your time, how can they be respectful of anything else?
If you’re not vibing, it’s okay to stop trying to make it work
This is something I’ve recently had to embrace, given that I always try to please people and prevent hurt feelings. But sometimes, someone can be “triggering” through their actions or personality, and it’s okay to walk away from that if it means prioritizing your mental health.
I’ve walked away from flakes, people addicted to their phones, people who expect you to listen to them the entire time, only to look bored when it’s your turn to talk…
That’s rude, and simply not ideal for a friendship.
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After what has felt like an incredibly long month in Milan, I’m glad I went through with this “experiment” of mine. I met some girls I hope I can meet again when I return, and I also quickly learned that life is too short to spend on people who can’t give you what you need, relatively speaking.
Peace out to all the flakes and fakes. Time is just as precious as money, and I’d rather spend it with real ones.
For my next month in Houston, I plan to use the app to try and meet with local lady runners. I’ve found absolutely zero (women) athletes on Bumble BFF in Milan…let’s see how Houston fares 🤣
BONUS POST– Curious about how Bumble Date looks from Milan, Italy? My time on that version of the app was short-lived (thankfully!), but what I saw in July 2020 was quite interesting…click here for a good LOL.
The first time I “stepped into the world of dating” was soon after my PhD graduation in Los Angeles. It was short-lived, but my first time using a dating app—Bumble.
Bumble seemed to have a decent reputation, since women get to make the “first move”. Tinder terrified me due to the reputation it had, so I made the wise choice and stayed away.
But Bumble in LA didn’t go anywhere, because I began to have doubts, and decided I wasn’t ready. I was also still trying to make Italy work out, and knew that if that was in my future, starting something in LA wouldn’t make sense.
So, once “Lockdown One” was out of the way and I was settled in Milan, I braced myself for a new adventure…
Luckily, I didn’t have to spend too long or waste too much time, but I caught a few screenshots that were too hilarious not to share.
Sometimes dating isn’t scary or frustrating, it’s low-key this-got-me-rolling-on-the-floor-LAUGHING.
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After things initially opened up post-Lockdown One, it was no surprise that Bumble was flooded with people.
Is that the reason why literally every other guy in the line-up was named Stefano? 🤔
BUT WHY STEFANO THOUGH?
Now I feel like doing a historical deep dive to analyze why women who had children in the late 80s/early 90s were so fond of the name Stefano 😂
And if not Stefano, then Luca…
In case you didn’t catch it, Luca is into traveling.
Curt Luca was a gem:
After he said “no”, our conversation died 🔥.
While Stefano and Luca are quite common in Italy, not so sure about these ones…
Febreeze here think he’s gonna find Swifer? Ma lookin’ for a female Pa? What is with these guys? 😅
Girls aren’t the only ones plugging their socials on here…guys do it too, on top of adding some emoji flare to their bios and showing off their “command of English” 😅
I am in police omg I can’t…
There are also ambitious guys with no sense of creativity:
I will admit, I got tired of the constant travel pics and half-naked gym bro poses, but at the same time, this guy’s “unique” pic caught me off guard 🪒 …
Who thinks mid-shave, “what a perfect opportunity for a selfie?”
Speaking of “out of the box”, this dude hit it out of the park—like what?!
I saw this dude and was like NOPE. This is straight up animal abuse and exploitation of endangered animals. STEER CLEAR.
And for the *GRAND* finale, we’ve got ourselves a classic creep!
Obviously I had no interest in his creepy request, and reported him immediately. Actually, this goes back to my point of intention that I made in my post about making friends—don’t lose track of what your goals are, and don’t lead someone on. In this case, if this guy wanted to “just do some sexting” all along, why did he waste my time pretending to care about how I spent my weekend? Etiquette guys, etiquette.
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My heart goes out to anyone who has felt frustrated and hopeless by the world of dating. It really is a mixed bag out there, but having the right attitude goes a long way…sometimes, it may even make your search last shorter than expected 😉. And don’t forget to step back and have a good laugh—a good laugh at us crazy humans doing crazy things trying to impress one another in the name of love 😂.
