animals – ⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆

Reading Time: 7 minutes

I was born into a family that appreciated animals. My family is of the Brahmin caste, who in ancient times, were an educated class of Hindus that were renowned for their religious scholarship and respect for animals (hence, most Brahmins tend to practice vegetarianism).

Growing up, we didn’t have pets right away. Although, cats always found us…regardless of if we wanted them 😂!

UK circa ’97. A British kitty found an admirer in my sister with the bowl-cut.

As my sister and I got older, I never expressed my deep desire to have a pet because I really didn’t have such a desire…yet. My sister became the “animal lover” of the family, and by 5 years old, she was set on becoming a veterinarian.

To “prove” her love for animals, she would always request animal figurines as gifts for birthdays, holidays, good grades (lol), etc. Clifford the Big Red Dog was her favorite book series/show in kindergarten. She begged my parents for us to get a dog.

It seemed like she fit the animal lover role perfectly, so why did I need to do anything?

On one fateful October day, a furry child came to our driveway, and won my sister over like the picture taken in the UK above. She was a neighbor’s cat, but she chose us each and every day after her initial meeting with us. Tiger kept visiting us each evening, and my sister and I were in awe of such a beautiful tabby choosing to hang out with us over her owners, haha!

Those neighbors coincidentally were planning to move, and knew about Tiger’s whereabouts and visits to our house. Tiger, who we renamed Baby (because she was our baby!), chose us as her new family. Our hearts couldn’t be any more full.

Baby and I when I was in middle school. Excuse my unibrow—but what do you expect from a second gen desi pre-teen girl 😂 #HairyGenes

Baby was our fiesty, sweet companion for many years. She saw me from third grade all the way through my first years in graduate school. She could snap a bite, rip off mouse heads and gift us with the body 😮, or sit elegantly in her “puff” (or loaf as most cat aficionados call it) on all sorts of things—blankets, math homework, ironing tables, etc.

She was our angel.

In 2015, my parents left California for Oklahoma, and Baby, who was an outdoor cat and well-adapted to northern Californian flora and fauna, had a crisis for the entire road trip. My sister remembers with horror the visceral growls Baby made—the vomiting, the fear radiating from her glass eyes—and how it was a mortifying experience she hopes to never have to repeat with a cat ever again.

We took Baby from the only home she’d ever known because we thought we were doing the right thing not to abandon her, but maybe we should have left her to roam free in the land she knew like the back of her paw. She did alright in Oklahoma for the first year and a half, but then developed a lung infection that only got worse with time…

Baby passed away in July 2017, and it was the first time I heard my Dad cry since his mother passed away 15 years earlier. My heart hurt over the phone when he made the phone call. Baby wasn’t “his” in the beginning, but as she grew older and as my sister and I moved on to college, she found a companion in my Dad, and he in her ❤.

I don’t care what anyone says, animals have an alluring power over us, and touch our souls in places that are hard to reach.

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Despite touting daily facts about animals, binge-watching Meerkat Manor, and consuming countless books about cat and dog care, I began to see changes in my sister when she reached the end of middle school. One day, she looked at her giant bucket of animal figurines and said, “I think I’m going to donate these.”

I was in shock…my baby sister? Self-proclaimed animal lover…was giving up on, animals? She assured us all nothing was changing, but as she finished high school and entered college, her heart wasn’t set on veterinary medicine anymore. Her reasons were non-animal related from what she expressed to us, but it saddened me to see this change in her.

And surprisingly, as she drifted away from her overflowing fascination with animals, mine started to grow…

I think my desire to be near animals grew in the later years of my PhD training. The long days and nights feeling alone must have gotten to me after the adrenaline of work began to fade away as I got closer to graduation. I used to share with my Dad that only animals could make me smile at that point. Scrolling through Instagram, I would end up sharing the cutest videos of cats playing patty-cake or dogs cuddling with their owners. He suggested that I should seek out an animal shelter to volunteer at in my free time. Perhaps that would help me de-stress and relax, as well have a good excuse to hang out with fur babies since I didn’t have any of my own!

I started volunteering at a shelter in Huntington Beach in the fall of 2019. I came in thinking I was a cat/small dog person, and while I felt comfortable around large dogs, I didn’t think I was qualified enough to work with them compared to other volunteers.

Plus, many of the volunteers that came on weekends were set on walking the larger dogs, leaving the smaller guys neglected. I didn’t mind spending time with them…I enjoyed the company of stout chihuahuas, stubborn terriers, and mop look-alike poodle mixes. My favorites were the ones that yearned to run, and were ready to get into step with me once I picked up the pace.

I was all smiles with Happy, a fluffy Samoyed with quite a BORK!

And whenever a dog was relaxed enough to roll around on the grass and expose it’s belly, my heart rejoiced. I always obliged to give a darling doggeh a belly rub!

Wilbur is literally a tiger dog! I only walked him once but he got comfortable quick, hence the exposed belly <3 !

I realized that I actually am a big dog person after seeing that, while some of the small dogs I worked with liked to run, the bigger dogs needed it and appreciated it a ton! In the following months, I developed a penchant for shiba inus, cattle dogs, and of course huskies!

Quincy was the smallest husky I’ve ever seen. And he had the biggest paws!

But the dog I bonded with the most was a husky named Jax.

All he needed was someone to run with him, understand that he needed to release his pent-up anxiety, and that he would not be a prisoner forever. I’m glad that I was able to run with him during my shifts at the shelter…he needed it for his sanity.

I’m frustrated that the Game of Thrones hype around wolf-like dogs (huskies) spurred on the adoption of so many dogs of this active lifestyle breed, and that people who naively took on the responsibilities of handling this type of dog gave up so easily. Huskies are loving, loyal, beautiful dogs, but they need mental stimulation, daily exercise, and humans that understand that. Jax was known as “uncontrollable” and “too hyper” at the shelter by the workers and volunteers, and I’m honored that I was able to excavate Jax’s true personality…even if it cost me arm scratches, sore glutes from sprints around the park, and mud-soaked sweatpants!

Anything for the one you love, I guess?

When I’m in a comfortable position with my career and truly have a place of my own, I’d love to have pets to cherish and adore! It would be a dream to have a sanctuary of some sort, where I can let cats, dogs, pigs, cows, racoons, capybaras, possums, pangolins, ducks, chickens, and so many more creatures that have captured my heart run free.

This guy was at the shelter too! Such a cutie pie.

My friends laugh when I share this daydream of mine with them, but only animals have the power to make me smile my brightest. It’s impossible not to love creatures so loving and innocent…

And to think that the actions of humanity can impact the lives of other species in a positive or negative way? It’s scary that we have so much influence over the lives of creatures that don’t have a voice.

To me, I think we need to take this responsibility seriously, whether one “likes” animals or not.

Are you an animal lover?

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Since we are on the topic of animal love, I thought it’d be a good time to mention the recent work of a fellow SGD, Adi from Edison, NJ! I came across CheeseDosa, his short story collection after reading about his own experience with a heartwarming doggo in his post, My Shelter. I loved this story of a courageous dog melting hearts, so I reached out. We got to talking, and he mentioned his project CheeseDosa: a book of short stories he is making by hand and selling on Kickstarter. He’s also making it possible for 33% of the sale revenue (not just profits) to go towards the Orange County Humane Society (where I met Jax and all my beautiful dog friends) if you back the project using the link above.

I’m all for supporting voices of color, especially those that share my background and experiences, and getting those voices out into the world. I highly recommend checking out his project and blog via the links above!

Reading Time: 6 minutes

Conceptualized February 14, 2020

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I have a cousin on my mother’s side named Radhika (name changed for privacy). I remember playing with Radhika at extended relatives’ weddings in the early 2000s. I was only 7-years-old, but I picked up on several things:

✏️ Radhika was a “lucky” Indian-born millennial. She was born in ’86, meaning she was at the right age to enjoy the perks of India in the late-90s/early-00s: Hrithik Roshan movies, coding homework on a bulky PC monitor, and constant access to Cadbury’s chocolate (this was definitely a perk for her as seen through my 7-year-old eyes).

✏️ Though she never mentioned it, I had a feeling that she was mentally planning for a future abroad, even though she was always cognizant of the traditions at family functions I saw her attend.

✏️ I felt “special” to think that this teenager, six years older than me, wanted to play with me. Entertain me. She could have easily nestled into a group of older women and chatted with them in “adult fashion” versus running around with young children, but she chose me. And that made me feel damn good about myself.

At an age when my sis and I enjoyed life without questions…

It was almost as if I knew the change that was approaching. As I grew older, our trips to India remained consistent, but interactions with Radhika grew shorter to the point that they disappeared altogether. The last time I saw her in India was when I was 10, and when we came back when I was in middle school, she had already left for college.

Rifts between family members caused us to lose contact with her for sometime. Eventually, more than a decade later, she reappeared in my life.

She was married. She was settled in Dallas, in a large house. And she had a baby boy. Most would say she was living the dream many first-gens crave for…

She was only six years older than me, but she seemed to have checked off everything she needed to accomplish as a high-caste, desi woman by 30:

✔️ Go to college (undergrad), and specialize in IT, biology, or medicine, but preferably IT.

✔️ Find a job abroad. Any “first-world”, white-majority country should cut it. UK, Canada, Australia, sure, but you know “you’ve made it” if you settle in the US 🙄

✔️ Get married. Better to do it in your late-20s or you’re pushing it!

✔️ Have kids! Gotta propagate more STEM babies!

I word this “checklist” with dry humor, but also with a note of frustration. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for Radhika. Though I feel angered that family rifts distanced us for some time, I’m glad that she reconnected with us, and that we at least have an idea of how she’s doing.

I’m more frustrated by the times I’ve felt this checklist imposed on me, despite being a second gen. Whether it be from distant relatives or my own father, it has been a struggle to demonstrate that my background, my trials and tribulations, and life goals for myself are not in line with the list desi parents normally have for their children…

✖️ I did go to undergrad, and majored in Cell Biology. My social experiences (or lack thereof) were abysmal, given that I was battling depression and an eating disorder. It was a miracle I was able to sit in for exams, let alone make it to class on some days…

✖️ Growing up in California was not bad, but I think I probably could have been happy anywhere as a kid, as long as my environment was nurturing and safe. Knowing that I lived in a state many people dreamed of living in made me feel guilty sometimes when I thought about how much I wish my parents had stayed in India before starting a family. In my formative years, I was dying to feel like I belonged in a culture of a country that held people wishing to be in my position. My Dad would never let me forget I was American…but if so, why did certain things that we never discussed in detail before have to follow…tradition?

✖️ Like, marriage. Or an “alliance” as my folks like to call it. As much as my father is a progressive and forward-thinking man, our recent, later-in-life talks about relationships and family have convinced me that he’d prefer that I marry a desi man—shared culture and all that (?).

And that’s honestly something I struggle with in my head…so much to the point that I’d rather not risk joining the dating game in case I fall for someone who’s not of my ethnicity…there’s no risk in not trying, right?

There’s also the fear and possible reality that I may not find someone who checks off on shared values, interests, and goals in life. He can be desi, but what’s the point if we have nothing in common at all?

And on top of that, what if…

✖️ I don’t ever feel the urge to have kids? I don’t feel like my biological clock is ticking (it’s more like I’m tapping the mic🎤 going, “Is this thing on?“). Perhaps not having a period for almost 6 years when I was in my late teens/early 20s due to an eating disorder created turbulence in my lady hormone profile (who knows?), but when I see a human baby, I’ll admit they’re cute, but my heart does infinite cartwheels and backflips when I see a doggo or a cat.

Only animals 🐕 have the power to make me smile my brightest 😄☀️

My heart yearns for an animal companion, or twenty, haha! I’d rather have a sanctuary of dogs, cats, pigs, cows, racoons, possums, capybaras, etc. than plan for a pregnancy and a baby 😮, if I’m being honest…

Maybe this will change as I get older, as I nestle into my 30s, but my personal experiences and life journey have made me develop a different mindset at this point. The thing is, I don’t know if that will change, and why should it have to 🤷?

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As much as I’ve tried to conform to what I thought was the ‘ideal’ path of becoming a desi woman, I realized that I would never be able to achieve this. As a young girl, I used to think that purposefully being quiet, saying that math was my favorite subject when it wasn’t, and not daring to even look at a boy was my way of signaling to the world that I was a good desi girl.

But fortunately, I woke up. In my mid-twenties, my tumultuous experiences in grad school, eating disorder recovery, and new, burgeoning crushes on ~~men~~ (emotionally immature) boys pushed me to change my perspective on things that I used to be stalwart about.

I’m a woman who’s not afraid to look up and dream big ❤️

It hit me when I was spending long days and nights in the lab, and my emotions were raw and I felt the loneliest I ever remember feeling. Why should I try to be something I’m not, especially for people who aren’t even supporting me at my lowest point in life?

Slowly, I began to learn about self-acceptance, and owning my true self. My path has been different and will continue to be different, and I’ve realized that, even if it seems hard and could be difficult at times to convince those closest to me that my decisions are sound and right for me, I need to do what is best for me no matter what.

And so this is where I currently stand: I am not getting married any time soon. And if I do, it’ll be based on shared interests, morals, and goals in life, not necessarily anything else…

I want a home full of animals to care for and love. I yearn for that more than having kids on my own. This might not be the “normal” goal for many, but it’s mine and one that I truly want to achieve.

I’ve worked so hard for a PhD, so you bet I’d want to continue growing in my career. If that means traveling around the world and not settling in one place permanently, then maybe that’s what I’ll do. Mr. Right, if he exists, won’t mind the nomadic journey either 😉.

If you’re a SGD struggling with your path, the best thing you can do for yourself is give your heart full rein.

What are your truest passions and dreams? If no one was around you to judge or say “no”, what would you do in a heart beat?

For the Love of Animals

The Path of a (Second Gen) Desi