second gen desi blog – Page 6 – ⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆

Pree January 9, 2021 Milan, Italy

Running Reflections

Reading Time: 6 minutes

Running has been a serious part of my life for about nine years—it has evolved from checking off races and writing recaps, to focusing on my training and trying to adopt the stance of an athlete. It’s hard to believe that the last race I ran took place almost two years ago, but that was a break I absolutely needed.

As I write up this reflection, I’m seeing how much of an impact running has had on my physical and mental health in the last decade. There’s so much more I want to accomplish in this sport, and I can only hope that my “break” from training has refreshed my motivation reserves to pursue race goals this year and in the near future…

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I hated running as a kid, but I surprisingly did cross-country for one year in middle school, in an effort to list it as an extra-curricular activity for college apps. Turns out colleges don’t care what you did before high school…so they never knew about how much I despised being the only brown girl on the “team” and the second-slowest one at that!

I was relieved to kick running aside once I got to high school, choosing to focus on tennis instead. My Dad was also thrilled about this, and we spent many off-season afternoons practicing at community park courts.

I was good for a high school kid, but not good enough to make it to the collegiate level, so I was “sport-less” once again in college. Running as a sport came across my mind again after stumbling upon blog posts by bloggers who detailed their racing adventures in “race recaps”. I was so inspired by one particular blogger’s running journey, that I signed up for my first race in 2012, at a local Turkey Trot.

My average pace was around 10:00/mi at the time—nothing special, but timing wasn’t my goal. I was excited to run all the local races I could, and post my own race recaps!

I was still struggling with an eating disorder when I picked up running during this time. The fact that I was running and exerting energy through a physical sport was somewhat convincing for my brain, “allowing” me to consume more on days I ran, but counting calories was still an obsession…

When I moved to Los Angeles for graduate school, I stumbled upon a marathon training team. Prior to that, I never thought I would train for a marathon, but something about combining running with camaraderie and setting new distance goals seemed highly appealing at the time.

Before I knew it, I crossed the finish of my first marathon in March 2015.

But given the state my body was in, I had to make a critical decision: choose recovery so that running would be a sustainable activity for life, or continue on a path of restriction and running until my body crumbed from overexertion and inadequate fuel.

This was a few months after my first marathon, running at a local half in hot SoCal summer heat. I was still underweight and suffering from things like bladder incontinence on long runs. Not good…

I chose the former, and while I battled negative body image thoughts for another year after getting myself to a healthy weight, at least I was now at a point where I could get in shape to compete healthily.

So in the training cycle for my third marathon in LA, I was finally seeing progress. I was running workouts with my teammates at paces ranging from 7:30-8:24/mi on “fast” days, and my endurance was the best it had ever been.

It got me a PR of 3:57:53, in March 2017.

I was thrilled with the time, but not with having to peel off my socks over angry-red blisters and black toenails!

After this marathon, things continued to feel right with running. I had a marathon in San Diego booked for two months later, and I had fun piggy-backing off of my LA marathon training, and finding and working with a coach. The race time I got in San Diego was comparable to LA, and it only pushed me to want more out of my training—to really push the envelope on my pacing and time goals.

But things started to sour in late 2017. I had agreed with my coach to switch to forefoot running (to get away from heel striking) in an effort to make my running more energy-efficient. This took me about six months to get used to, and shook me up during my fall marathon training cycle.

My times were getting “slow” again. What was this coach doing?

I ran my third marathon for the year—fifth one total—in November 2017: the Route 66 Marathon in Tulsa. The race itself was an awful experience due to the piercing cold weather and my own issues with bowel movements and breathing. After the race, I suffered with a bout of shin splints, and I figured it was time for a clear break from training.

Unfortunately, these issues didn’t disappear in 2018. I was plagued with breathing issues, bowel problems, fatigue coinciding with PMS, and chest tightness. This was also paired with mental fatigue, since I had pent up frustration from not being able to meet my next-level goals.

At one point in the year, I ran a race in Orange County and completely lacked the enthusiasm I normally had for races. I didn’t take out my phone to take pictures, and I felt irritable throughout my time on the course. I eventually walked some of the race—something I never did for distances less than 26.2 miles—and called it quits early.

So I thought 2019 would be a fresh start, but running LA that year proved to be nothing special. I then made the more serious decision not to participate in anymore races until I was ready to compete with a pace (and mind) I was happy with.

Then, 2020 happened, and it was as if taking a break from races was pre-planned for me by the universe!

It wasn’t until later in the year—after settling in Italy—that I started to think about having a new approach to training. My ultimate goal was—and still is—to get faster. To eventually be able to compete at the elite level. The past few years have been a challenge in regards to staying in line with this goal, but I didn’t want to lose hope.

Back in September 2020, I wanted to start training again, smartly.

These were humbling realizations, but having them when I did was probably pre-mature, looking back. I was struggling with handling work demands—and adapting to a new life in general—with my energy levels, so many of the weeks in late 2020 were much like before. I ran when I could, but just to keep with a routine. I still lacked the energy required to hit the time goals I desired.

An early morning run in Milano when I just felt out of breath and paralyzed with anxiety and stress from work…

At least when I did venture out to run, I tried to appreciate my surroundings and take in the nice, peaceful moments of nature when they happened…

I’ve also been incredibly lucky to spend so much time in Como… it’s the perfect backdrop for weekend runs near the fresh mountain air…

And at least now, I can say I’ve run in the snow 😅? Not the best setting for marathon training, but a fun way to ring in the new year…

…so was running 40 miles for the last week of 2020, my highest weekly mileage of 2020 since the summer.

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It’s hard to predict how racing will look after the mess that was 2020, but I hope I can finally get back to a “training 2.0” of sorts.

I have my eyes on some marathons that are tentatively scheduled in late April/May here in Italy, but since anything can happen, I’m also ready to figuratively run in place… my goal is to be ready for whatever comes.

Pree December 25, 2020 Milan, Italy

Holiday Hunger: Managing ED During a COVID Christmas

Reading Time: 5 minutes

This post was a collaboration with The Desi Condition. Check out their site for information on their podcast and art collective, which especially emphasizes mental health in the South Asian community.

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Before I turned 18 years old, the holidays were a time I looked forward to with deep anticipation and pure excitement.

Two (sometimes two-and-a half!!) weeks off from school.

Hot cocoa with whipped cream paired alongside one of many classic holiday movies on primetime.

Spending entire days with other kids in the neighborhood, playing to our heart’s content knowing that we’d get a free pass to stay up late at this time of year.

But all of this changed for me immediately after Christmas 2009. My spiral into an eating disorder began along with a new decade, and it eclipsed the happiness I normally felt during the holiday season.

The next round of Thanksgivings and Christmases were made miserable, thanks to an incessant voice chiding me to keep my servings of Dad’s green bean casserole and tofu wild rice stuffing small. In the years that followed, I made sure that a set of measuring cups was placed alongside my fork and knife—I could not get off track, even for one day.

In my darkest moments, I would have never had the courage to disregard my ED’s voice to indulge in holiday treats. I’m glad that this isn’t an issue for me now—-living in Milan surrounded by numerous pastry shops selling delicious Christmas desserts.

This went on for six years, until finally in 2016, I had my epiphany. I had chosen recovery, and was on a path to healthy weight restoration.

Still, the incessant thoughts kept nagging as I helped myself to servings of Dad’s home-cooked food like never before, and my body image had reached an all-time low. Fighting with an eating disorder is a strenuous, mind-numbing battle, and it’s only felt worse during the holidays.

My fight eventually paid off. I can say with a content mind, body, and soul that I have beaten my eating disorder. The thoughts still pop up from time to time, but the way I manage those thoughts has developed considerably.

We are all not on the same path however, and my heart goes out to anyone still struggling with their ED at this moment—especially during this particular holiday season. The stress of COVID-19 and the socially isolating lockdowns it has caused can be a huge road-block to recovery.

If the girl I was from 2016 was struggling with her ED recovery through a COVID-ridden holiday season, this is what I’d encourage her to do, given her unique situation:

If living with family/roommates who are aware of your struggles—and willing to help…

Your ED is probably rejoicing at the fact that large gatherings for Christmas dinner or New Year’s Eve parties are not happening this year (at least in a fashion that is approved by society…). But perhaps the people who you are currently living with want to have some sense of normalcy with a festive dinner, and ED does not approve.

If they are indeed a supportive bunch, vocalize the thoughts running through your brain. Allow those around you to understand your current anxieties and offer care in a way that will help you make it through the day. Tell them about your calorie fears, how having measuring cups next to you makes you feel assured, or why you need to know if your “safety foods” are part of the menu.

Hopefully you’ll then find yourself with a team. The day will feel easier, and perhaps more enjoyable, once you have unloaded your deepest fears and anxieties onto people who want to help you tackle them.

If living with family/roommates who are unsupportive, or if you are living alone and unable to see your family/support system in-person due to lockdowns…

If you are living in a household with people who you don’t trust or cannot be vulnerable around, you have every right to excuse yourself from spending your time with them, but don’t let ED win either.

EDs thrive on making their victims suffer in silence, but planning ahead will help you from succumbing to that. Plan out a holiday dinner for one, with foods you enjoy (and not necessarily “safe foods”).

You deserve to enjoy yourself during the holidays. Even if you are not ready to tackle a holiday meal with unknown calories, planning ahead and preparing for foods (and drinks!) that provide comfort will make this isolating time a little less rough…

Even this can be a challenge if you are at it alone, so make your dinner a virtual one. Call up another friend in lockdown isolation, maybe even family (parents get lonely too…), and plan on your menus together. If you trust them, have them help you brainstorm ideas on what foods or meals to purchase that challenge you, as well as foods you are comfortable with.

And most importantly, create a plan with those you trust in case you feel you might fall prey to post-meal restricting or purging behaviors. Having a designated person to call in case you feel the urge to restrict or purge hours after your meal is the ultimate prevention tool against relapse.

Fighting an eating disorder takes an incredible amount of energy. Waking up each day and choosing recovery over and over until one day it sinks in…that is hope, gasping for air.

This holiday season is even more isolating for an ED victim—but I hope you keep fighting and eventually be gifted your epiphany 🧡

You may not have your epiphany this Christmas. The voices may still have a hold on you all the way through New Year’s…maybe well into 2021, when the fear of COVID diminishes with the rise of vaccinations. The world will continue to go on, but you may still not be ready.

Understand that your journey is valid, and keep fighting until your epiphany does come around. Take this moment to celebrate the fact that you’ve made it this far—you’ve survived a global pandemic while also sorting through personal struggles you may have not been able to voice.

Give yourself this moment. No matter how many times ED tells you you don’t deserve it, I’m here to tell you that you absolutely do.

Pree November 20, 2020 Los Angeles, CA

That Lab Life

Reading Time: 7 minutes

I originally wrote this post for my old blog—a post that humorously described the hierarchy of a scientific research lab. I wrote this as a second-year PhD student in February 2016, but I thought it would be fun to reflect on this post as a now post-doc.

The following text is my original post, while my commentary in the present day is in red 😉.

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I often reference how I have to “pop into lab” or “go out for lunch after lab” in many of my posts, but I have not had the chance (or the patience) to go into detail about my life in lab. I thought it would be fun to describe the usual hierarchy of a lab, so you could have at least some idea of what I have to deal with on a daily basis…

Before I became the dedicated PhD student researcher I am today (😅) , I was an overworked, overexhausted undergrad student, who was treated like a grad student during my first lab research experience. Not all was bad though, as I learned a lot, and had face-time with my boss every time I was in the lab, but as an undergrad student I could only spend so much time in the lab. My boss at the time didn’t understand this, and she kept pressuring me to stay longer, work more, etc. I was able to hold on for a year before moving on to my next experience!

I think PIs don’t understand the concept of work-life balance in general…most just want you to get your tasks done, no questions asked. If you speak up and say it’s too much, perhaps if they are the reasonable type you can reach a compromise to prevent burnout, but most scientists keep to themselves and work without question. This has frustrated me over the years because it’s a form of peer pressure that isn’t healthy. We need breaks, we need rest, and we need to prioritize our time so that we take care of ourselves and our work doesn’t suffer…

The undergrads in my current lab are more like these guys though …

They’re not annoying, but most of them work under a post-doc in my lab who likes to call them “minions”. In my lab, they tend to carry out smaller experiments and tasks, but don’t necessarily have a project on their own. In comparison, I would say I had it a lot better as an undergrad (if we’re talking about getting experience and training… if we’re talking about the preservation of my sanity, then perhaps it would be the opposite 😂).

When it was time for me to recruit and mentor my own set of students, I treated them with dignity and respect. I knew that if I wanted them to help me with my work, I had to take the time to carefully train them and of course, practice patience. It’s never the student who is incapable of comprehending information—it’s the teacher’s job to present the information in a clear way.

Next up on the lab hierarchy are usually research techs/lab assistants. Usually people that are at this stage are students that just finished undergrad, and are trying to keep busy while waiting to hear from the grad/medical school programs they applied to. I fell into this stage right after I graduated from undergrad a year early, and fortunately, it was in a lab that was very laid-back. I wasn’t paid (so that meant working evening shifts at a local outlet store for some $$), but it kept me attuned with the research world as I applied, which also helped with my interviews!

But not all research techs/lab assistants are students-in-waiting. In fact, I’ve come across many people who are older adults, or people who got a B.S. or M.S. in some science major and had to take a hiatus from lab work due to personal circumstances.

My sister completed her master’s degree, and is currently working as a research assistant/lab manager at an established institution. She’s a relatively fresh graduate compared to many research techs/lab assistants—I know a woman who has held this position in a lab for 22 years 😱!

In either case, they’re on a never-ending quest to prove that they’ve got what it takes.

Constantly felt the pressure in grad school with having to “prove myself”

Then there are the grad students, the PhD-type 😛. Their origin can be one of these two: a continuing masters student, or one who is constantly replying “No, I came straight from bachelors” to anyone who asks, “Did you get a masters first?“.

Compared to my years as an undergrad, I would say being a grad student is less intense. Shocked? Don’t be! I still have plenty of work, and with my qualifying exam coming up, I’ll probably be rethinking what I type here, but I am being completely honest when I say I felt more stressed/anxious/obsessive about my work as an undergrad than I do now. I view the work I do now as my job, and I don’t necessarily see myself as a student in the traditional sense. I do have classes I have to take, but unlike in undergrad where my focus was on class and doing well in class, now it’s to produce work in lab and just show your face in class.

Yeah…I spoke to soon 😂. My third and fourth years were the most intense of my PhD career. I felt an incredible amount of pressure in my fourth year, as I was in the middle of manuscript writing. A lot of doubt and negative feelings resurfaced, and it was a tough period in my life to get through. Whoever says the path to a PhD is fun and easy is delusional 🙃

Just above the PhD students, you have the post-docs. These guys and gals try very hard to make sure everyone knows that they are NO LONGER STUDENTS and that they do in fact have 100% earned the right to be called _____ , PhD. There is no denying the fact that they do deserve this, but it can get irritating when you have grad student vs. post-doc ~~arguments~~ debates. The PhD student doesn’t want to look stupid when he/she asks a question to the post-doc, and the post-doc wants to make sure that they give the right answer, and “look good” doing so. They also have added pressure to be even more independent than a student, and are often regarded as mini-bosses in the lab.

I’m currently six months into my position as a post-doc in a new lab, and I have to remind myself often that I do indeed have a PhD after my name. That yes, I am a doctor. It may depend on the lab environment, but given the smaller size of my current lab and the lack of available students to help carry out expansive experiments, I’m back to doing all of my work on my own. And this definitely makes me feel like I’m a student 😓.

Finally, we have the primary investigator (Pl). The head honcho. The big boss. The don…

(image source)
LOL Can you imagine Shah Rukh Khan, the face of Bollywood leading a scientific research lab?!

I’ve come across three PIs in my overall experience so far (not including rotations), and while they all have their own quirks and personality traits, a couple things stay common for all. As a Pl, your biggest responsibility is making sure your lab has adequate finances. It’s what gives you the freedom to run your lab the way you want to. It’s no secret that funding is extremely tight, so labs can get competitive when it comes to raking in mon-ayyy. In order to make sure the lab is successful, a Pl needs to be assertive, exact, frank, and be able to compromise if necessary (especially when it comes to collaborations, as science is definitely a “it’s who you know” kind of industry)…

Yup, this PI description is still pretty accurate 😁

It’s kind of funny that as a grad student, I fall right in the middle of all these interesting characters! At times, it almost feels like I’m in a sitcom or a TV show with all the crazy interactions and dynamics that go on around me or involve me. I do love it though…

At a conference two years ago with my then-lab’s budget admin.

Ah, how naïve I was back then! The remaining 3.5 years after this post was written were packed with work, but I did find my footing. As I gained seniority, I became more comfortable with my surroundings, my experiments, troubleshooting protocols, and presenting data. I trained over 20 undergraduate and master’s students who sought research experience, and I’ve presented at conferences and published a first author paper in a well-known journal.

I wouldn’t say I love this life, but when results from experiments make sense, your data is validated by your colleagues, and you are recognized for all of the time and effort you put in, it’s hard not to give yourself a pat on the back and take pride in your work!

Sometimes I wonder why I chose this life, but I have to admit that eventually…the difficult times have the potential to become something worthwhile and rewarding.

The risk is in the wait, and the unavoidable unknown…