Making friends as an adult is HARD work, but to be honest, making friends as a kid was just as exhausting!
My Dad used to tell me that apparently I was quite popular in Pre-K in the UK. When we moved back stateside, I also remember being quite giggly and playful on the playgrounds of Oklahoma. I have no idea where those girls I made quick friends with are now, but being six and seven was pure heaven!
When we moved to California, things began to change in how my friendliness was perceived. My perky Oklahoma-grown personality was not received well by my judgey Californian classmates. The first seeds of self-doubt and “wanting to be liked” planted themselves within me, and boy, did they continue to grow from that point on…
While I wasn’t successful in building up the popularity I had in the UK and Oklahoma in California, as I got older, I thankfully had a peppy younger sister who prevented me from feeling completely like a loner…she gathered neighborhood kids, invited all sorts of fun gals to birthday parties and sleepovers, and never shied away from befriending the new kid in class.
But one day, puberty got a hold of her and the unabashed vulnerability she once had when meeting people was hammered away. In middle school, I learned about fake friendships, and faced first-hand how really mean girls could be. I was told to my face by two different girls in the 6th grade, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”, out of nowhere.
Like, who does that and feels good about themselves?
So, great friendships were not a thing of middle or high school, given the circumstances. Thankfully, my sister’s early days of gathering neighborhood kids to play with us helped us forge a bond with our friend C, who I’ve known for 21 years now! But besides C, I wasn’t able to form any ever-lasting friendships throughout college. During my PhD, I became friends with E, a visiting scholar from Germany and a girl I had some crazy adventures around LA with, but when she went back to Germany in late 2017, I realized that becoming an adult means the definition of a friend changes.
While we desire for a friend to be someone we can be our true selves around, without pressure or judgement, I think in adulthood, the definition of a friend extends to “a warm, live being with a brain to accompany you for dinner”. At least, when you become an expat who’s traveled to a new country by herself.
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Given the pandemic, a not-so-great work environment, and a recurrent battle with depression, my first 1.5 years in Italy did not offer ample opportunities to make friends. There were language exchanges and one-time meetings with other expat women I met through a local WhatsApp group, but nothing that led to substantial relationships. In recent months, I decided I would review my current approach and “experiment” with a different strategy, as any scientist would do 😉, and “report my findings”.
I was inspired to try one strategy in particular, after my sister reported her success in Austin, TX. She signed up for Bumble BFF for the purpose of finding a group of reliable, relatable girlfriends she could hang out with in the city. After about six months on the app, she ended up forging relationships with a solid group of three girls, and now they meet for book club, weekend get-togethers, and all of their partners are boy buds too!
Needless to say, I was inspired, but I also knew that Milan might not result in a similar outcome…it’s an international city, yes, but expats are fleeting beings—all the girls I met between 2020-2021 through the WhatsApp group I am a part of, I only met once. There is one girl, I think I met twice, but given I left IG, I don’t have her contact anymore 😬..
Still, I decided to give it a go, since I was back in Milan for the month of May. I started a Bumble BFF profile within the first few days of coming back. The first Monday I was back was a national holiday in Italy, and for some reason, I felt like I *needed* to have plans to avoid being “lonely” on the random holiday. So while I got started on the Bumble BFF app, I left a message on the tried-and-true WhatsApp group I am a part of:
I wasn’t met with crickets for once. In a matter of minutes, I was able to schedule a lunch with one girl AND a mini late coffee with another girl, the latter of which ended up being a party-of-three deal since another girl messaged me later asking if she could join! I didn’t click too much with the girl from lunch, but I spent a lovely three hours with the two ladies I met for coffee (at a trendy place in Navigli, Tenoha Coffee). We liked each other so much, that we ended up meeting for aperitivo later that week—with two other girls I met previously at separate times.
It was the first time I felt like I took initiative to organize a “girl’s night out” and succeeded.
Once matches on Bumble BFF began to roll in, I’d say I had fun “surveying the samples”. Let’s be real—70% of the profiles that popped up look like this, and major eye rolls ensued on my end, each time:
And talk about trying to plug oneself! The sheer number of profiles with IG handles and the excuse of “I don’t use Bumble a lot, hit me up on IG!” No honey, I do not want to follow you on Instagram…
Still, I sifted through the cookie-cutter profiles and was able to match with some girls who were able to handle conversations, at first…
I found that I was always the one initiating meet-ups. The purpose of this app is to find and make friends, that you meet in real life. I had no desire to waste my time sending “hey”s back and forth, which some young ladies on the app seemed perfectly fine doing 🤷🏽♀️
Since I also went on a work trip to Geneva this past month, I was able to see new profiles as my location changed. The type of profiles I saw definitely changed from what I saw in Milan—there were a lot more North American expats, women in law or international-based positions, and a collectively “keen” interest to meet outdoors 😂
I obviously never met any Geneva-based ladies, but I was fascinated with comparing what I saw in Geneva with what I saw in Milan.
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Overall, I think the app works with finding friends that fit my “new definition”, but finding quality friends for life will definitely take time and work from both parties. Sure, I’ve met some really great ladies so far, but time will tell if these acquaintances will turn into solid friendships in the future.
In the meantime, I recommend that any expat woman (or woman living in a new city, for that matter) give Bumble BFF or similar networking apps a shot. Even scouting for the local WhatsApp or MeetUp group for women in the city increases your chances of finding someone you click with.
At least try, before complaining that it’s impossible to make friends as an adult 🙃
At the same time, I think we should keep in mind of the following in our “quest” for friends:
Go in with intention
Why do you want to meet new people? Is it more casual in the sense that you just want someone to accompany your for dinner or coffee? Or do you feel like it’s essential to spend quality time with quality people, doing activities that you have a common interest in?
For me, I’m not going to waste time with girls who are purely searching for a buddy to take IG pics with, pretending to have fun. While my “runner gal pal with a dog and penchant for coffee and vegan food” has yet to be found, my intention with using these types of apps is to build potential friendships with like-minded people. To build a mini support system of sorts in a foreign land…
I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but three strikes, you’re out
The thing about putting yourself out there and initiating things is, you learn how to spot flaky people, very quickly. And there will always be flakes. Despite the numerous occasions in my life I’ve been notified last minute with “I’m sooooooo sorry! Something came up at work!” or “Hey! I feel really bad but I can’t make it today…”, I still find myself giving people a chance (honestly, I thought flakiness was a Californian thing…it’s prevalent in Milan too, unfortunately).
First time it doesn’t work out, no worries. Second time, alright, but it better be a good reason, and after the third time? If there’s still an excuse, I’m done. At that point, it’s clear someone doesn’t want to make the effort, so why waste my time? It sounds like a harsh approach, but it saves so much headache in the long run.
Unfortunately, I encountered a few of these girls on the app this month. Some of these girls who had given me excuses multiple times even had the gall to shoot a “hey” message, out of the blue, with no follow-up.
So, do you want to meet-up? Do you want to get a coffee and use this app for the reason it was intended? No? Bye.
When you make plans with someone, prioritize it like a job interview
One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone agrees to meet at a specific day and time, does not follow-up at all, and literally five minutes before the planned meeting time, they pop in with a message saying, “Hey! I’m sorry something came up!” or “Oh my gosh, I’m really sorry but I’m running 1 hour late”.
Seriously? No.
Sure, emergencies pop up. Things out of our control take precedence, but if it happens all the time with the same person? It’s definitely a huge red flag for me. If someone can’t be respectful of your time, how can they be respectful of anything else?
If you’re not vibing, it’s okay to stop trying to make it work
This is something I’ve recently had to embrace, given that I always try to please people and prevent hurt feelings. But sometimes, someone can be “triggering” through their actions or personality, and it’s okay to walk away from that if it means prioritizing your mental health.
I’ve walked away from flakes, people addicted to their phones, people who expect you to listen to them the entire time, only to look bored when it’s your turn to talk…
That’s rude, and simply not ideal for a friendship.
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After what has felt like an incredibly long month in Milan, I’m glad I went through with this “experiment” of mine. I met some girls I hope I can meet again when I return, and I also quickly learned that life is too short to spend on people who can’t give you what you need, relatively speaking.
Peace out to all the flakes and fakes. Time is just as precious as money, and I’d rather spend it with real ones.
For my next month in Houston, I plan to use the app to try and meet with local lady runners. I’ve found absolutely zero (women) athletes on Bumble BFF in Milan…let’s see how Houston fares 🤣
BONUS POST – Curious about how Bumble Date looks from Milan, Italy? My time on that version of the app was short-lived (thankfully!), but what I saw in July 2020 was quite interesting…click here for a good LOL.
