⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆
Lake Pusiano, Italy

30

Reading Time: 7 minutes

Wow, I’m 30.

When it comes to “landmark birthdays”, I am the worst at planning them properly. Things are so much easier as a kid when your parents throw you a party every year at the local you-name-it and you get to invite a couple of classmates to join in for pizza and oh-so-decadent Wal-Mart bakery cake (with my expat experience, I have nothing but the utmost respect for this fine delicacy).

My favorite string of birthdays was 11-14, when we made our way to the local water parks for a day of splish-splash fun. The perks of being a summer baby—what happened to that love for water of mine?

Ahhh, summer 2006. Not my finest year in body confidence and adolescence, but the 2000s era is one of forever-nostalgia and holds a special place in my heart.

Once I moved out for grad school, birthday planning was all on me. Even though I moved out at 22, I still had my Dad or sister show up to help me celebrate prior to my turning a quarter of a century years old.  My first birthday “on-my-own” was 25, and I “celebrated” it food blogger style—a restaurant in LA invited me and a guest for a free meal, and I took my lab bestie lol.

For my 26th, I moved out to Anaheim with my sis and our bestie-since-childhood came over for the weekend from Vegas. My 27th was the last before moving to Italy, and I “celebrated” with a lonely, underwhelming solo trip to Sweden.

My 28th and 29th were celebrated away from home and the loved ones I knew for all my life, but I still had a special someone to celebrate with. A low-key hike in Swiss Italy and an afternoon at an Italian zoo were still special days.

For my 30th, my boyfriend treated me to a photo session by Lake Pusiano. It all started when I shared the Zimmerman dresses I spotted at the Wynn during my June trip to Vegas. He simply messaged me, “if you find a knock-off, it’ll go perfect with my plan”.

To which I replied, 🤔.

His plan was for me to wear a similar dress + get “made up” + take professional pics not too far from Lecco.

I wasn’t able to thrift the dress unfortunately due to time constraints, but it was cute imo!

Stumbled upon this at the mall. Unfortunately couldn’t thrift but it worked perfectly with the “plan”

The Sunday evening before my birthday, we drove to a small town near Lecco where the make-up artist lives and she got me ready. After about an hour in the chair, the three of us drove out to the lake for pics (my BF broke out his Canon from storage and went to town 😂) .

Despite leaving social media, I promise I know how to take pics! It’s just so incredibly awkward to do it in front of other people, unless you are in that “confident” mindset and have tons of energy.

I honestly have no clue how people have the gall to take selfies in public, without any doubt or shame!

Rather than confident, I mostly felt “cute” and the shyness took over, especially since the make-up artist accompanied us. But if this means I look “younger”, I’ll take it!

20 vs. 30 – Hard to do a perfect comparison but I feel like I look the same, haha! At 20, I came home after taking the MCAT (which I bombed…) and was still severely in my eating disorder. 10 years later and a whole lot more life experiences and lessons learned…

It was still a lot of fun, and I love the pictures. And unlike 9/10 girls out there, I don’t really have anywhere to post them but here, which is fine by me 😛.

Oh, I also baked a cake! Funfetti cake + strawberry frosting, straight outta H.E.B. in Texas!

PSA – if anyone from the USA is visiting me in Italy, entry fee is one box of cake mix and a tub of frosting 🤣.

Funfetti cake mix and strawb frosting. Had to use olive oil instead of vegetable oil which was exciting.

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Turning another year older and entering the next decade also got me thinking about other things. I like planning ahead, but the farthest I can go out nowadays without feeling anxious is 1 year. When I was in school, I had no issue with 4 -or 5- year plans because that’s how long it would take to finish my degrees anyways.

But now, putting that much pressure on yourself to achieve X number of things in X number of years seems like unnecessary stress. Of course I want to work towards a life of financial security, healthiness, and happiness, but planning each and every single step is no longer “vision boards and jelly-pens-and-journals” fun.

For now, I’m good with reflecting on what I was able to accomplish in the decade I just completed, and what I hope to achieve in my thirties. 20-for-20 and 30-for-30-esque lists can be a bore for some, so don’t feel compelled to read—although, I welcome any comments, especially if we share anything in common!

20 Things I Rocked @ In My Twenties

  1. Got my PhD.
  2. Kicked my eating disorder in the butt!
  3. Became a public transit wonder (no fear, your metro girl is here).
  4. Traveled solo domestically and internationally.
  5. Developed into an athlete via a love and drive for running (12 year old Pree who ran a 10:30 mile would freak!)
  6. Avoided physically being in a car accident or traffic tickets (being in O Chem while my parked car got ran into does not count).
  7. Realizing that depression just doesn’t go away and learning how to manage it every day.
  8. Not being a self-absorbed, materialistic brat.
  9. Accepting that I am an old soul living in a millennial’s body.
  10. Loving my body and my skin (brown is beautiful ya’ll—that collagen tho).
  11. Learning that wounds from the past can heal with time.
  12. Running seven marathons.
  13. Volunteering at an animal shelter where I learned that I must be an ACD mom someday.
  14. Not being afraid to stand firm on my opinions.
  15. Being a great listener and an empathetic person.
  16. Honoring my body’s needs (NAPS ARE OKAY, PEOPLE).
  17. Being single for a loooooooong time (no high school sweetheart or college flings here!) and being comfortable with it (I didn’t start dating until ~28).
  18. Not being afraid to say when I’m uncomfortable.
  19. Having the decency not to ghost people.
  20. Being a shoulder to cry on (as much as I used others’ shoulders lol).

Things Freshly 30-Year-Old Me Hopes to Accomplish/Thinks She Wants

  1. Fast-track to a six-figure salary via sensible means (for me, most likely will be working my way up through Medical Affairs 😉).
  2. To be a cat and Australian Cattle Dog mom.
  3. Qualify for and run Boston, and then…
  4. Run a sub-3:00 marathon (basically, become an elite runner—a lot of the top women are in their 30s so that’s my motivation!).
  5. Carefully fuel my body so it can handle the energy needs of #3 & #4. (i.e. drink more water and watch my electrolytes).
  6. Publish my two (in progress) writing works.
  7. Go to Greece (Santorini and that island with cats).
  8. Buy property when “the time is right” (I keep going back-and-forth in regards to if renting forever is good or not…).
  9. Volunteer for impactful causes (yes, politically-related).
  10. Get better at accepting compliments and focusing on that more vs. harping on the “bad” stuff that happened in a day.
  11. Get over imposter syndrome.
  12. Empower the underdog whenever possible.
  13. Finally speak another language fluently (I would love to one day fluently speak the language of my roots, Tamil…just gotta get over the mental and emotional roadblocks built up over time first…).
  14. Continue to practice letting go of anger.
  15. Find the best way to manage my hormones.
  16. Get closer to managing my depression/OCD so that it has minimal impact on my life.
  17. Help others become more self-aware/be better humans.
  18. Continue to work towards living a sustainable life and leading by example to others.
  19. CONSISTENTLY DRINK MORE WATER.
  20. Continue to work on not caring about what others think when it comes to deciding what makes me happy.
  21. Be at a place where I can say I will eventually have enough to retire, but have the energy to keep going.
  22. Stop having headaches (lol, a concentrated effort).
  23. STOP BITING MY NAILS FINALLY??
  24. Continue to celebrate rest and enjoy naps.
  25. Try not to be short-tempered/make sure I am taking care of myself so I don’t let negative feelings overpower me.
  26. Be more assertive when asking for what I need (and not feel bad about it).
  27. Savor my coffee and always have room for cake.
  28. Become a running coach.
  29. Be a career mentor/inspiration for other young women who are going through what I went through in my 20s.
  30. Never let anyone get in my head and try to tell me I’m not (smart/pretty/powerful/brave) enough.

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I can’t think of anything “inspirational” to end with in this post, but I think one thing I feel good about is my direction. I don’t know if I’ll be making $XXX,XXX amount of money by the time I’m 32 or if I’ll race a sub-3:00 before 34…

30 ✌🏽

But I’ll try to keep my head held high and smiling until I get there. 

Jersey City, New Jersey

Marvel Me With Your Story

Reading Time: 4 minutes

When it comes to television and movies, I am extremely picky.

Action bores me. I could care less about fantasy. Horror does nothing but maybe make me jump in my seat once or twice over the span of 120 minutes, if I haven’t already fallen asleep 20 minutes in!

What does call my attention is a good story—something you can tell the writers behind-the-scenes were fully invested in. At that point, it really doesn’t matter what “genre” you are watching—a good story captivates its audience regardless.

So even though I prefer the classic comedy or drama, the cliché formula does not cut it for me anymore. Sometimes (okay, maybe 80% of the time nowadays), I’ll watch my favorite teen dramas or sitcoms from the 2000s for nostalgia (Degrassi on HBO Max has been my go-to as of late…), but I can take a break and watch something “new” if it’s worthy of my attention.

And with Ms. Marvel? It surprisingly was.

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Why do I say surprising? Ha! I’m a brown second gen desi! I HAVE to like Ms. Marvel because the protagonist is a brown girl, right?

Well, simply put, no. That’s not how it works, and that’s not how it should work.

Here goes with my unpopular opinion: I could never wrap my head around Bridgerton. I did give it a go, but I just didn’t vibe with it. Funny thing is, I absolutely love historical fiction, memoirs, and biopics. I am a huge fan of the show “The Crown” (although I am not a fan of British history because the so-called “empire” did a lot of harm to the desi world…), because for a reenactment of a historical period done many, many times (Hollywood’s infatuation with the British queen is quite odd, haha), the writing and storytelling is top-notch.

I’ll also take this time to recommend The Gilded Age if you’re looking for another historical fiction stunner—amazing show!

So even though South Asian actors were cast for season 2 of Bridgerton, that didn’t change my opinion of the show. I didn’t become a fan overnight because they cast people with skin color similar to mine…

You’ve still got to hold me with your story.

When it came to Ms. Marvel, I only knew it was a part of the Marvel franchise, but nothing about its debut for television. Although, it was not a surprise at all, seeing as though the franchise churns out content at the pace of that one meme…

To be honest, I’m glad I was not active on social media during its release. I’m sure accounts within the South Asian niche I used to follow would have touted the show for all the wrong reasons.

“YOU HAVE TO WATCH THIS BECAUSE IT HAS A BROWN GIRL IN IT”, etc.

But I am glad I did watch the show, especially after successfully avoiding the influence of external peer pressure. Now I can say, you must watch this show. Not because it stars a brown girl, but because it’s a great example of how to tell second gen (desi) stories in a casual, yet captivating way.

It’s the old adage: Don’t tell ‘em. Show ‘em.

Since I am Marvel’s worst representative, I can do a brief, spoiler-free description of the show justice. The series tells the story of Kamala Khan, a second gen desi (specifically, a Muslim Pakistani-American) high school girl from Jersey City, who discovers her superhero powers thanks to a family heirloom (can’t make it more desi than a bangle, haha).

I found myself half-asleep through the action scenes, but fully attentive during the parts that dove into Kamala’s personal story. Most of the material was fresh, and far from the stereotypical bore that has become “strict desi parents who don’t trust their kids”.

True, her parents didn’t want her trekking out to AvengerCon on a school night…but tell me, whose parents would allow them to do that?

I loved seeing Kamala portrayed as a happy-go-lucky, down-to-earth girl who is passionate about art and comics, and content with who she was as a person. While she respects her roots and culture, she is like most second gen teens, and her life just naturally blends two cultures without a thought. Her new powers didn’t change who she was either—they accentuated what she already had within her.

The little bit about “Kamala” meaning “Marvel” was a very cute addition to the script…

The writers did a great job weaving in mosque life and emphasizing Pakistani and Muslim culture whenever possible. The Western world likes to group all desi cultures together, forgetting that even just within India, there really could be 20+ countries if we go by the varied languages and ethnic groups. It’s definitely a “win” for all South Asians if people who watched the show can understand this…though I doubt it, we’ve still got a long ways to go.

In addition to the great writing and quality representation, the music was absolutely on point. There was at least one song I recognized in each episode, and even the background music was *chef’s kiss* impeccable. We had everything from old Bollywood to Jai Wolf—talk about representation!

I’m glad I gave Ms. Marvel a chance, despite my apathy for action, superheroes, and comics (manga is the only exception for pre-teen/high school me, haha), because the show did a great job of storytelling, something that seems to be a rarity in the entertainment industry nowadays.

So whenever I spot a good story, I make it my responsibility to entice others to give it the light of day as well. And if that story happens to shine the spotlight on desi characters? That’s great. Let’s keep the ball rolling then. Let more voices have the chance to share their lives through great storytelling too.

Earth

A Women’s Day Reflection

Reading Time: 4 minutes

With this post, I risk people not agreeing with me, but that’s okay. If this sparks discussion, debate, and helps others to think from a different perspective, I am all for it.

I did not know Women’s Day existed until I came to Italy. I grew up in a country where we get time off for presidents, activists, veterans, and military, but the closest thing to Women’s Day I was familiar with was Mother’s Day. And to me, that day grew tense with each passing year.

As my mother succumbed more and more to her mental illness, I resented the fact that there was a day to celebrate her. In my teenage mind, she didn’t deserve it. I would see her verbally and emotionally abuse my father every day without fail, yet, my father would still ask my sister and I to make her a card, and he’d still show up with a bouquet of flowers just to show her he cared.

Despite his kind intentions, she would always find a reason to be suspicious of him. Or yell at him because he bought the flowers from Albertson’s instead of Raley’s.

And when Father’s Day came around? She never did anything special for him. It was up to my sister and I to let our father know we cared. That we needed him and loved him for sticking around.

When I think back to my high school days, I can’t imagine how much psychological torment he had to internalize. There would be nights she would be triggered by the simplest things. If she began yelling at me or my sister, our father would be ready, like a superhero with his shield, ready to deflect her anger from us towards him.

It would give us some modicum of peace to finish homework, but to hear her berate him for hours and hours into the night was not something my sister and I were comfortable with.

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Even with these tense family dynamics, I still grew up a “staunch feminist”. Perhaps it was my mom’s unsubstantiated opinions of men that were ingrained in me for years, but the “men are evil, fear them” “mantra” I grew up with was hard to shake off—until I learned to listen and understand the other side.

When I first met my boyfriend in Italy and we were learning about each other, I shared something nonchalantly on social media that upset him:

The whole pepper spray thing is a topic for another day 😅😅

It was supposed to be a hit at women in my circle who hinted that I need to live in fear and carry pepper spray, but the way I phrased my stance was a hit at all men, and that wasn’t fair. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but seeing how upset it made him feel led me to probe further discussions with him about the topic, which is something I am immensely appreciative for.

I didn’t realize the suicide rate in men is twice as high as for women, on a global scale, and that their access to mental health support is still strongly stigmatized. And what about the “biggest shocker“, that yes, boys and men can be victims of sexual assault and rape, with it being reported that in the US alone, 1 out of every 10 rape victims are male.

These discussions made me realize that gender equality is an extremely convoluted topic that is constantly vacillating from one side to the other. It shouldn’t be about prioritizing one group over another if the goal is equality, yet if we prioritize Women’s Day with flowers and protests, and laugh off Men’s Day (which, by the way is November 19th) as a “creation of jealous men”, we will never achieve the equality we all say we are striving for.

Wonder if the woman who received these mimosa flowers (Italy’s famous tradition) appreciated it, expected it, or yelled at her boy for getting it from the wrong florist 😅

Yes, there are a lot of places in this world where men have a powerful influence and women are stripped of their rights. In South Asian countries and places with similar cultural ideals, this is a huge issue. The recent, artfully-crafted Malayalam movie, Great Indian Kitchen, demonstrated this eloquently.

But even in these cultures, men still suffer. In the South Asian space, Ram of @desi_brotherhood shares relevant information via Instagram feed posts in an unbiased way, and has shared a number of posts regarding domestic violence, mental health, and suicide issues that affect South Asian women and men.

Compared to South Asia, the overall context is different in the Western world. Even though domestic violence is rampant, especially without a doubt in the USA, women in the Western world still do experience a lot more freedoms compared to women of other countries. When I see the stereotypical “Karen” complain more than she should about how “men need to be the providers”, it does irritate me. These are the same women who claim they are independent, self-sufficient, and strong, yet expect “their man” to be the breadwinner and foot the bill of their shopping sprees because “they deserve it!”. This then leads to some men using these women as excuses for not supporting women’s rights, and it ends up being a vicious cycle.

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My intent with this post is not to divert attention from Women’s Day, but to serve as a reflection. I have only a handful of women in my life who I love with all my heart. Who deserve everything beautiful in this world because they truly do deserve it, but there are men in my life who deserve just the same.

So while today is a good day to celebrate women, our love for them, and their achievements, let’s be kind, thoughtful, and empathetic women and do the same for the amazing men in our lives when it’s their turn.

At the end of the day, we shouldn’t be celebrating the chromosomes one carries, but rather the individual those chromosomes serve as roots for.

Chennai, India

His 101st: A Tribute to VVR

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I am so happy to share a piece my Dad wrote in honor of his father’s—my thatha’s—101st birthday! My thatha, fondly known as VVR, was a chemistry professor, Hindu scholar, and family man all in one lifetime. Read below to see why he is revered by everyone who knew him well ❤️.

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On my beloved father V.V.Ramanujam’s birthday

A year ago, I shared a tribute to Dr. VVR in this forum on his 100th birth anniversary. My family and I were truly moved by the response of the Tambrahm community. Today, he will have been 101. Far from the year dimming his memory, it has only sharpened my appreciation for the gift that was my father.

One time, a few years before his departure for the heavens, he took ill and was admitted to the ICU. After heroic measures, the doctors pretty much shrugged and told us to prepare for the worst. After a long overnight vigil during which he almost left us, he came back and the doctor that examined him the next morning said, “I have no explanation for this miracle. This is nothing to do with medicine. His almighty must have a plan and a purpose for him!”

During this time, Sri. Ramanujar’s 1000th anniversary was a mere 3 years away and VVR was immersed in furiously completing his life’s passion—writing Emberumanar (Sri. Ramanujar’s) vaibhavam. We know this is why he was not allowed to depart. Though he could not complete his work before 2017, we were all ecstatic that VVR was able to celebrate the day in person. While he attained Ramanuja’s thiruvadigal before the publication of the book, we are blessed that the book was released this year. This work of devotion was a culmination of a lifetime of writing over 18 books in Vaishnava Philosophy.

There is nothing I can say here that I had not shared a year earlier. But as time flows, and I reflect, I am awed by his sheer grace. Hope you will indulge me as I share with his human side. Scholarly as he was, steeped in Visishtadhvaitam as he was, immersed in devotion as he was, he never compelled his children to master the tomes or to observe the orthodoxy that he respected so. If today, we have any wisdom at all, it is the blessing his proximity brought.

He has been variously called a Vaishnava simham or jewel, but I think of him as a flower that lends its fragrance to the string (naaru) that is me. It is somehow appropriate because many around him partook the nectar that is his wisdom like bees from a flower. Alas, not me. But his affection, I could not help but drown in. He loved his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren beyond measure. I can still see so fresh in my mind’s eye his gap-toothed smile and much later a toothless grin.

In his latter years, the younger generations would gather, filling the house with chaos, with television blaring, kids playing and older generation arguing the topic of the day and he would be quietly performing his nithyanu santanam or be engaged in his writing, without ever furrowing his brows or uttering one complaint. I would think he was just being tolerant, suppressing his irritation. Now I realize, he was completely in love with this celebration, this joy that is family life.

They say a worth of a man’s life is the tracks he makes. My father certainly left a mark with immense contribution of the highest caliber to Hindu literature. Thanks to Google and the kainkaryam of his disciples, his work will live online forever. But the true measure of a life is the pride his family takes in being a part of his legacy. His children, grandchildren, and great grands, scattered over the world, will to a soul would say they are so proud to be VVR’s descendant.

That is ultimately his gift from his beloved Lord. Pathasarathy.


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