Cruise Control

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As a millennial, I am oftentimes torn between feeling proud of my current “status” in life, or deeply disappointed.

It’s hard for me to remind myself that I lived an incredibly rich life before my Italy adventure. Good moments that led to trying ones, that eventually led to powerful recoveries and maturity.

A parent’s mental illness. Depression and an eating disorder. Struggling with my identity. My shyness about love and relationships.

These are events that shaped my 20s, and because I survived these ordeals, I thought I came out stronger than ever before. I even let Johnny Dagger ink a blooming lotus on my arm before I left for Italy, to remind myself of what a lotus represents:

Enlightenment and Rebirth

But, little did I know that the Italy adventure I envisioned would dismantle within weeks from when I got the tattoo. The pandemic delayed my start, but once I did get the greenlight to go, things eventually got crazy.

Depression popped up again. Homesickness after feeling unwelcome and taken for granted. Developing a newfound love for my home country.

These were initially unwanted feelings that I eventually embraced. And while things did eventually sort themselves out, I left 2021 a heavily-changed person:

• I used to love the idea of being a nomad. Since moving out for grad school in 2014, I’ve been associated with eight different addresses. With my initial move to Italy, I welcomed the three years abroad that were initially ensured under my research fellowship. I actually thought life would be so much better here, but…

• As months slowly drudged on by, I realized that perhaps I should be wanting “normal” life things, like a stable residence and job. Jumping around labs in the world of academia, even if the research was great and the experience was enriching, could never match what a standard industry job could offer. I realized my desire for a 401k was taking priority over feverishly publishing papers to add to my CV.

• An emotionally-numbing experience in academia abroad, during one of the worst (psychological) periods of humanity, soured my first stint in Italy, but escaping academia and finding a home in industry saved me. Despite miraculously finding a suitable, more-welcoming job, this experience has undoubtedly shaken me in regards to being confident about my purpose. It has made me question if I truly love what I do, or if I chose this path because it was “safe” and “not so controversial”, say, compared to the desire of wanting to become a Hollywood celebrity 😂.

But at least while I ruminate over these thoughts, I can continue to appreciate and enjoy the relative calmness and kindness 2022 has granted (my) life with.

Circumstances with my new job have allowed me with an interesting opportunity—while waiting for my visa, I’m splitting my time between Houston and Milan. One month here, One month there. One month of Dad’s Bru, one month of vending machine cappuccinos.

And knowing that my role will be heavily involved with North America while being based out of Italy? On paper, it’s like the best of both worlds.

But at the same time, I am having trouble understanding what my true passions are at this point. What is my purpose even?

The stability of my new job has allowed me to approach my past passions with more motivation, but at the same time, I doubt myself in regards to what I can accomplish, and what I want to accomplish:

With running, when will I be running at an elite runner’s pace? A goal stifled as early as late 2017?

How will I know if my writing projects will get anywhere? I don’t want to write “just for fun”. For me, I want it to lead to something greater…

Will I really pick up Italian “with time” like a random guy at work said I would? Or am I too exhausted (and scared, of failing) to even try?

Like anyone in this world, I want to be validated, appreciated, respected, and loved. Figuring out how to achieve all this is the hard part. I’m turning 30 in a few months, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that scares me. I looked at a random savings calculator online and I supposedly have the “right” amount saved in the bank for my age, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m making the right investments, or if my choice to continuously rent is wise or risky in this market.

Growing up, and getting older is never easy, but at least the detour I took in recent months has benefited my mental health tremendously. And if I learned anything from these recent experiences, there is only so much I can control. And I think escaping toxic workplaces and minimizing time on mind-numbing social media platforms is a good thing.

Putting 2022 in cruise control seems like a wise enough decision to me.