expat in italy – Page 7 – ⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆

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It’s late June as I start writing this post, and I have now been to more places in Italy (and even Switzerland!) since I last complained about lockdowns 😅

After Bellagio, I took a little break from day trips to reconvene and figure out what to do next. I knew June 2nd was coming up and since it was a holiday in Italy, I would have the day off and definitely wanted to dedicate it to a day trip.

The day ended up being dedicated to Bologna, a story for another day, but before and after Bologna, I was able to still venture out and feed my exploratory cravings.

The convenient thing about having your “home base” be north central Italy is that travel by car or by train to nearby locales isn’t too arduous (as long as we clarify the definition of nearby). Day trips could even just be afternoon trips, depending on what you want to see and how much energy you have 😅.

I took two such “afternoon” trips from Como with my boyfriend, and thanks to his car, we were able to start our “trips” as late as 3pm and get back around 6 or 7pm! It is completely doable to see the best of Monza, Italy and Lugano, Switzerland within a few hours.

💛 Monza, Italy 💛

Technically, if I had left for Monza from North Milan, it would have only taken a handful of minutes by public transit versus an almost hour drive from Como. But I thought spending a sunny Sunday afternoon outside with my boyfriend scootering around a new city sounded a whole lot better than walking around alone.

Como to Monza – a little under an hour by car

Trying to find a parking spot near Parco di Monza brought on a minor headache, but we found a spot in a residential area that was actually alongside a walking path. Once we got the scooters out, we blasted onto the path and made our way toward the prime destination of the “city”.

It didn’t take us long to run into a swarm of locals and tourists in front of Villa Reale di Monza. We eventually had to get off our scooters and walk amongst the crowds, so we decided to go inside the courtyard to get a closer look.

I think under normal circumstances, you can go inside the palace for exhibitions and shows, but it seemed as though plenty of people were happy enough with just strolling outside and soaking in post-lockdown sunshine.

After I got my share of pics, we proceeded to the park, where it turned immensely cool temperature-wise thanks to the towering trees and their overgrown leaves—it was literally a forest.

And while it was lovely to see (and feel) such cool, green scenery, it made for awfully bumpy paths that were not friendly to the scooters 😅. Still, it wasn’t too long before we reached friendlier roads.

Even though I was scootering with the BF, I imagined that this park would be the perfect place for mid-distance or even long runs. I think from top-to-bottom it is about 3 miles, so loops would definitely need to be considered!

But is that such a mundane thing if said loops included loops around Azienda Agricola Mulino San Giorgio ?

Basically, animal heaven??

I basically came to a screeching halt when I saw the donkeys.

Being the huge animal lover that I am, I immediately parked my scooter and ran over to where every munchkin under ten years old was lined up petting the donkeys. I wanted to join in on the fun too 😂!

I picked the least-friendly donkey to (try to) pet. Still, my heart was full 🧡.

And it overflowed once I realize we were at the border of what looked to be a petting zoo! We took a detour, and I got my fill of cows, pigs, goats, baby horses, chickens, ducks, rabbits…

It was difficult to pull myself away from these beautiful creatures, but the boy and I headed onwards to the furthest we could go on the path. A couple years ago, I remember watching the documentary Breaking2, which documented the journey of marathon’s running elite to break two hours in the marathon. The special race was apparently held at the Monza racetrack, which is at the north end of the park!

I thought we would be able to come across it (and perhaps enter to take a look on the inside…stepping on the same path that Kipchoge, Tadese and Desisa raced on), but unfortunately it was fenced off. And by the time we reached it, we realized the park was going to close soon—at a relatively early time for Italians, 7pm!

Getting back to the car was an easy endeavor. Once we were out of the park, we were able to directly get back on the path we took at the start. We could have taken a detour into the city center, but I was close to empty energy-wise, and I figured the city center wasn’t exactly as much of a “must-see” as Parco di Monza was.

Villa Reale di Monza is very gorgeous though!

💛 Lugano, Switzerland 💛

Driving up to Switzerland from Como is actually shorter in comparison to driving to Monza. It seems counter-intuitive…driving to another country takes less time? 😂. Technically, I suppose it takes around the same time, but driving up on the weekends eliminates the traffic brought on by Italians driving across the border to get to work!

Once you get past border control (which isn’t a big deal, they normally stop cars at random), the drive becomes more beautiful. At one point, you have to take a bridge over Lake Lugano which offers some gorgeous views. Don’t have any here for ya, but once parked and in the city center, the view is just as good, if not better.

Right next to this view is the entrance to Parco Ciani, a beautifully groomed park with a winding path and sights all-around.

This statue is an entire MOOD, and often mine 😂:

Quick search on Google indicates its Socrates…

Further along the path, there was a wooden deck area where, apparently, swans like to take rest or swim near. I was looking forward to the sight, but only saw too many half-naked humans…pity.

Away from the water, the temperature started to feel a lot warmer and unbearable. It was, the middle of June after all. After a certain point, the streets begin to look monotonous and empty, and that’s probably because Lugano is more active during the work week.

Some buildings still kept their charm though.

Tesla even managed to squeeeeeze into the aesthetic, and not the other way around.

I learned that they had to knock down the wall on the side of the building just to put a Tesla inside, and then rebuild it back up again! For test drives, they have a single red car parked in the back 😂.

Closer to the city center, there were more buildings to marvel at and photograph:

A bar for dogs! Wasn’t as popular as one would think!

All of this was seen and covered by foot within two hours! Of course if you want to make time for aperitivo and swimming and gelato and shopping, you could easily spend a full day here.

But, even though I was tempted by this *pricey* Subway offer, I was content with having dinner at home, after a pleasantly exhausting afternoon of travel!

Remember $5 footlong meals? Non-existent. Double for a half sandwich and a drink and cookie 😧

Are you a fan of short day trips or even afternoon trips?

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It has been almost one year since I left for Italy—a year that oftentimes feels like ten.

In pre-pandemic times, my excitement for a new life experience in Italy was based on what I had read in travel memoirs, heard from Italian post-docs in my lab, and honestly, a number of baseless fantasies thought up by moi.

I had made trips to Europe before with family and by myself, and I was expecting Italy to match the classic, European allure of the other countries I had visited. Unfortunately, my expectations didn’t exactly match my imagination, and a lot of that was due to the pandemic. I’m still holding out on Rome though—I’m dying to know if the Eternal City matches up to all the pre-teen dreamy scenes of the Lizzie McGuire Movie…

When I see pastel-colored Vespas, I immediately think **Lizzie McGuire Movie**…

This, and many other observations and experiences over the past year have led me to actually feel something I never thought I would, to the extent that I feel it now.

I am very, very proud to be an American.

Part of being a good American is complaining about America. We are enlightened about our right to free speech from a very young age, and it’s something we shamelessly take for granted. And of course, I was one of those complaining folks. I would shake my head with embarrassment every time America ended up on the news for a radical remark a president had said, or for decisions the American government had made that other countries had the right to tease us about.

I once thought I was one of a country of uncultured swine, but that is too cruel of me to say. Especially since I now realize no country is perfect, including Italy. I’m not saying America is without its faults, in fact, incessant gun violence and a money-guzzling healthcare system are not things to brag about. But as an American citizen, I’ve come to realize that there are plenty of things I have taken for granted that living abroad has made me reflect on and “re-appreciate”.

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1) Financial security…

Before coming to Italy and taking on a post-doctoral scientist appointment, I was given an award letter for my fellowship. At first glance, I thought WOW, they are paying me double what I’m getting now as a first-year post-doc/recent PhD grad!

Haha, there was a catch.

The full amount of the fellowship covered my employer’s expenses for having me on as an employee, taxes, and then finally my actual salary—which ended up being equivalent to a little bit more than what I was getting as a PhD student 😶😶😶.

I definitely was in shock upon realizing this, and before confirming my decision to take on the role, there was at least two weeks of back-and-forth with HR trying to understand where my fellowship money going. I was told by some Italian acquaintances that my net earnings were very good for Italy, which horrified me.

Good for Italy? Like, people are OK with this? I can’t imagine what someone working a “minimum wage” job takes home…

And perhaps the general population is “vabbe” about this because of communal, multi-generational living arrangements (i.e. NO RENT) and paying things “on the down-low with ca$h money” (i.e. what taxes?), but even so, I can’t see how this can be good economically in the long run…

This is not to say America is handing fistfuls of dollar bills to every person aged 0-99 (although 3 COVID-19 stimulus packages argue against this…), but there is definitely room to negotiate luxurious salaries with the right degree and industry. For example, an entry level medical science liaison, a high-profile position in the pharmaceutical industry that is often sought after by terminal degree holders, can earn on average $80-100k a year. In Italy, it’s around €55,000 a year, on average. Approximately $67,000 a year.

Personally speaking, I would jump on this amount given that my current job pays less, but it surprises me that there is such a striking difference in the starting salary of a highly-qualified position between two countries…

This discrepancy is also quite confusing to my cute neighbor.

2) Fashion freedom

Before moving to Italy (specifically Milan), I did give a good thought to reshuffling my wardrobe so that I fit the “bella figura” stereotype that is often associated with the culture.

But, I am a girl who lived in pajamas and running clothes for 3 months during the pandemic—what can I say? I’m very low maintenance!

I didn’t think twice about walking into a Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s after a long run when I was in the US. I’d be a sweaty mess, but I didn’t let that stop me from getting an ice cold kombucha and a vegan treat to-go. I suppose I didn’t have to be self-conscious about walking around town in workout gear if every other person was doing it too.

But Italy doesn’t seem to offer that “chill” attitude, not even if I’m actually working out! During a particularly hot workout one Sunday afternoon, I remember an elderly couple giving me side-eye because of my short running shorts and tank top. It reminded me of the many judgmental desi aunties I’ve come across over the years, but I was honestly surprised to come across this in a “Western” country like Italy.

Judgy people exist everywhere, but I can’t exactly say I feel comfortable wearing sweaty running clothes to take care of errands in Milan’s city center vs. somewhere in SoCal. I suppose it serves as an excuse to freshen and dress up for an otherwise mundane occasion, but there is something about convenience and a relaxed attitude when it comes to “American fashion” that I do kinda miss…

Actually running 🏃🏾‍♀️ around the Duomo in workout clothes is one thing, but stares are guaranteed if you stay in said clothes after working out and continue on with errands 🤷🏽‍♀️

3) Vegan options and freedom to be a foodie!

Southern California spoiled me when it came to vegan food options—as long as I frequented Whole Foods and Sprouts, as well as bookmarked up-and-coming vegan cafes and restaurants spanning the Los Angeles and Orange County areas, I was all set. I have always been a vegetarian, but picking the vegan option whenever possible has always been my prerogative. And without a doubt, this was so much easier to do in the USA…even when I spent 3 months in Oklahoma!

Milan does have a few vegan outlets, but the quirky idea of “vegan-izing” everyday meals just hasn’t caught on in Italy as it has in the US. I will admit however that when it does come to proper labeling of supermarket items, Italy does a good job of saying “adatto ai vegetariani” or “vegano” on the label. As a strict vegetarian, it can be troublesome when simply “caglio” (rennet) is listed on an ingredient label, but I have found many brands that list “caglio microbio” which makes things less complicated.

And yes, I’m all for the nut-based crema spalmabile (especially pistacchio!!), rich scoops of neighborhood gelati, and Sicilian cannoli, but the incomprehensible food “rules” like “cappuccinos after noon are sin” or “pineapple on pizza deserves jail time” will never, ever make sense to me.

Even though I personally believe everyone has the right to have a cappuccino at any time of day, this is one “rule” I have ended up following due to daily routine. Sometimes the timing works out and a *pistacchio latte* is able to work it’s way into your day 😊

I just know that if a country is vehemently unaccepting of pineapple on pizza and BBQ sauce, I really do have to applaud America as being the land of the free (for foodies!). 😅

4) Feeling myself

I think the realization that I would always be innately me, wherever in the world I went, has hit me the hardest from all of these items listed.

In the US, I tended to lean towards the introverted side of the spectrum, but around friends and people I trusted, I was a chatty, witty, and incredibly fun person to be around. In professional settings, I felt absolutely comfortable speaking to colleagues, giving presentations, and mentoring my juniors.

And I believe part of this is because of my strong command of English. It is right now the only language I speak fluently, and it is the only way for me to express myself. My forays in writing have only enhanced my exposure to the language, and the fact that the US adamantly proclaims English as the one and only official language of the land makes things easier when it comes to communication and expression.

In Italy however, I feel like this identity is not quite the same. Opportunities to improve my Italian have been minimal, and the interactions I do have with people I come across on a daily basis have been restricted to English. Despite this, I oftentimes feel like I have to hold back when it comes to my true self. American slang and references can leave people lost, and so I’m not left with much to hold an “engaging” conversation. When I do attempt Italian, I am shut down when the person on the other end switches to English without giving me a chance. Just like in America, patience can be a hard thing to find in Italy.

I believe if I am given the opportunity to express myself in the truest sense, it will be possible to find and enjoy the person I am here, but it also depends on if I will ever find my people here. Friends who understand my humor, share similar interests, like the same TV shows (it doesn’t help that I like the American shows that have yet to cross the Atlantic on Netflix…). Social media and women’s’ networking circles can only do so much—at the end of the day, new, trusting relationships* require work which can be utterly exhausting.

*I should add that there is one relationship in my life that has blossomed since my stay in Italy, and it has allowed me to be myself to the fullest☺

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Maybe a lot of this reflection is fueled by homesickness, and the fact that I haven’t seen my family in almost a year. Even though I’ve lived on my own since 2014, this is the first time I’ve been oceans apart from the people I feel most comfortable around.

Maybe a visit home would help give me a much-needed reset to tackle Italy again under new and improved, recovery-from-COVID-19 circumstances. This past year has been a rough ride emotionally, and I’m sure this has also influenced a lot of the opinions detailed in this post.

Still, I won’t deny the fact that living abroad—living in Italy—has given me a new-found appreciation for the country of my birth: something I have struggled with for years, but now I find easy to accept, with open arms.

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Since my excursion to somewhere in Switzerland in late August of last year, no other opportunities made themselves available in regards to day trips in Italy or beyond.

Nope, the second wave of ‘rona got in the way of that.

I even went so far as to daydream about Christmas break trips to Venice or Rome, but after summer ended, the way reality was shaping up crushed those plans to smithereens.

That, plus work stress and life stress—it was all piling up, and putting in the time and energy to plan out trips “for the future” seemed like a lost cause.

And it was, until April 26th, 2021 brought signs of hope. The following weekend—with the weather being a foreshadowing of a summer yet to come—was the first opportunity in months for lost souls to venture out once again.

I was itching to travel somewhere, anywhere, and I even thought about some “nearby” major cities I could try to visit from Milan.

Turin? Genova? Bergamo?

But, I ended up going somewhere not too far from my (weekend) homebase of Como—a special place at the center of Lago di Como, hand-in-hand with a special person—Bellagio.

Lago di Como is HUGE. From Como City, Bellagio is an HOUR away by car!!

Since moving to Italy, I have lost the urge to keep up with my early bird tendencies on weekends. With weekdays being harrowing at times, I decided that my time, on the weekend, should be spent in whichever way maximizes relaxation and recovery. And, whadya know, sleeping in till 11am or 12pm on Saturdays sometimes does the trick!

The good thing about Bellagio is that it’s small enough to explore within 2-3 hours. So even if you have errands to run on a Saturday morning but you’re somewhere in the Lago di Como region, it’s not too silly of an idea to drive up for a few hours of some nature eye-candy.

I. Mean. Eye. Candy.

At first, I wasn’t sure if I would end up going solo, but my companion offered to drive both of us in his car—on a winding, solitary road that overlooked the lake many times along the journey. It didn’t help that we were slowed down by a group of four girls who were also on their way to Bellagio, taking their share of pics for the ‘gram with their phones precariously held out the car windows.

When we did arrive close to 3pm, parking was a minor issue. We found a spot eventually, and shockingly had to pay by the hour. I guess it wasn’t too much of a surprise given that it’s a ploy to get every last bit of a tourist’s pocket change, but at least the rate wasn’t Los Angeles-crazy 😂.

City center is about a 15 min walk from the parking lot we used.

Since I’ve seen Lake Como from Como city many times, it seemed redundant to find a viewpoint to look out at the water in Bellagio, but that’s the main attraction 😂. Technically, there are some differences in the landscape…

It was interesting to see how the mountain “terrain” changed across a panoramic-like view.

Smoother textured mountains on the left, snow-capped mountains in the center…

But the best part of going out to see the water at this time and location, was the wildlife of course.

I had front-row seats for the Momma & Babes show 🥺!!!

We weren’t the only ones enamored by their cuteness. Other people surrounding the dock seemed to notice my excitement (I was literally pointing and waving my arms at the ducks!) and shifted the focus of their phone cameras from the landscape to a few baby birds.

After enough time was spent at the water, we decided to walk back towards the city center. My eyes fell upon the buildings that faced a central dining area of sorts, and I could not look away. The architecture was so fitting for Northern Italy.

A work colleague of my companion also happened to be in Bellagio at the same time and we ran into him. He was one of those guys who dresses up in a suit to eat pasta 😅.

South of the shops and eateries, there was a picturesque walking path with tall trees and perfectly-cut shrubbery all on the side.

Too pretty for a long run. Walking will have to suffice.

Once again, it was another ideal location to stop and look out at the water. And sneakily people watch.

Two hours had passed by this point, and so my companion and I decided to take “the long way” back to the car. We passed the I Giardini di Villa Melzi, but it was another tourist trap that we ran from. They couldn’t stop me from taking pictures through the gates!!

To be fair, there weren’t that many people walking around that day, but I secretly appreciated that we were walking away from the crowds.

I started to figure out why we weren’t seeing many people at the point…the roads were increasing in elevation and our casual stroll was becoming a stairclimber session.

The biggest perk of this surprise workout was “accidentally” falling upon the Church of Goats*.

When special guests donkey and black baby goat made their appearances, I literally died 😂. My name is Pree and I like animals.

Ducks, goats, donkeys, dogs, and cats. Bellagio has everything.

There was no issue with finding the parking lot since we pinned our location with Google Maps. We did however still have some more time left on the meter, so it was an excuse to walk through some alleyways for that authentic Italian “village” feel.

When we entered this path, I looked down at my sneakers and wished they had more padding at the bottom (can’t expect much from a cheap pair from Primark though…), but I was grateful that I wasn’t in a pair of high heels trying to navigate this pretty chaos!

As time started to inch closer to 6pm (or 18:00, military time for Europeans 😂), we called it a “day” and got back in the car. As I expected, I drifted in-and-out of sleep on the drive back: a genuine indication that I had a pleasantly exhausting time.

Wanna know one of the best things about travel, even if it’s just a short daytrip? Coming back home so exhausted and instantly falling into a deep sleep.

So, Bellagio. My few hours here were enjoyable and well-spent. And while the scenery was nice, the experience was much more memorable because I had someone special by my side. I could have gone on my own, but sometimes it’s nice to walk around with someone’s hand in yours.

And if they have a car, it saves you a bumpy bus ride 😂.

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Before that night in late spring of my junior year of high school, I could not comprehend how painful a mental breakdown truly was.

I played singles varsity tennis that fall. I had been awarded the position of first chair flute in county honor band that winter. And that night, I had completed two regional competitions for Robotics as president of my high school team, bringing home an award for our website as well—-something that had been a personal project of mine finally received validation, yet it triggered my anger.

Logically, I had nothing to “cry over”, yet the dark idea that it would all come crashing down triggered the tears, guttural yelling, and body slams against the floor of my parents’ bedroom.

My mom with her own mental illness, fueled the fire with her share of yelling and ridicule that I was the one that needed help. My dad, shocked at the scene going on before him and unable to stop my incessant crying and self-harm, threatened to call the police.

But this only pushed out more tears, and at one point, my body couldn’t take it anymore. I continued to lay on the floor listlessly while my parents calmed down as well.

The police never came, but Dad thought I should see a therapist. I was resentful, given the fact that my mother had not seen a doctor in years, but part of me felt the urge to see someone, with a sprinkling of curiosity.

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I have lived with depression since then, with it popping in and out of my life at varying intensities, depending on how kind my environment was to me.

An eating disorder was mixed in as well, sometimes making it unclear what was first to influence what.

The depression, along with OCD tendencies, popped up along my PhD journey as well, with one of my darker episodes occurring at a time when so many unknowns were at play… the biggest of which was the worry of how soon my first, first-author paper would be published, if I would be able to graduate, and if it was even worth all of the anxiety and emotional breakdowns I was going through.

It was around this time I decided to see my third therapist, but also consider taking medication for the first time. When I received the news that my paper had been accepted, that itself lifted away the weight of the world that was pressed so firmly at my shoulders for the past six months, but I still felt it necessary to seek out professional help.

Dr. S was an immense help through the first half of 2019. It may have helped that my environment suddenly turned friendly, but she helped me battle the ennui I was now experiencing as I inched towards a summer graduation.

At first I saw her once a week so she could get to know me better and monitor me as I started taking Lexapro for the first time. I was on 5mg initially, but was bumped up to 10mg. Beyond a few headaches and fatigue, the pill got acquainted with my body and lifestyle, although I personally didn’t feel any changes.

Especially since I still felt cyclical anger and irritability.

Dr. S was a trained psychiatrist, but would not continue writing prescriptions for patients unless paired with counseling sessions. I enjoyed our sessions in the beginning, since I was able to vent to her about my desire to start anew outside of SoCal. She knew about my plans to apply for a fellowship in Italy, and how I yearned to have the opportunity to meet new people and travel all over.

When my plans were starting to gel by November 2019, I began to grow tired of my sessions with Dr. S. Like with the therapists of my past, I had hit a plateau with her. I felt like I didn’t need her anymore, and that my depression had retreated once I received confirmation about Italy.

Of course with COVID in early 2020, my plans changed dramatically. I was “stuck” in Tulsa (although now I see it as a blessing I wish I could relive again). Being with my family definitely played a key role in mitigating stress. I was still taking my Lexapro, but popping a pill each day without knowing if it was truly serving its purpose was beginning to irritate me, to say the least.

Dr. S wrote me a prescription for 90 days to take with me as I settled down in Milan, but who’s to say if it got me through my two weeks of isolating self-quarantine?

Because my mind was already set on starting fresh and throwing myself into a different world, I felt ready to stop the Lexapro. I didn’t want to rely on medication to modulate my mood for the rest of my life, especially if it wasn’t doing its purported action in the first place.

Things seemed to be going wonderfully at work.

I was finally opening up and starting to date for the very first time in my life.

In fact, I was lucky to meet someone so early in the “game” who I clicked with instantly.

And with all of this new-found happiness, I wanted to see what my body could do on its own…in an environment where I felt in control and eager about navigating through.

So I stopped taking Lexapro in mid-August 2020. I informed my Dad and a close friend of my decision, both of whom knew of my recent depression history. My Dad, knowing the obstacles I have faced when it comes to doctors and their diagnoses understood why I chose not to wait until I found a doctor, but my close friend was more concerned. While I acknowledge it would have been helpful to see someone within weeks of arriving in Italy, I knew that with the painfully frustrating administrative system in place—especially in regards to healthcare—it would have been a nightmare to wait for a second opinion.

In my battle with depression over the years, I quickly realized that when it came to my body and mind, only I could be the one to decide what felt right for me.

I felt “normal” for about a week, after which painful, throbbing headaches began to make an appearance on a daily basis. I was starting to feel easily triggered by what I would normally see as minor inconveniences. On my early morning runs, I would have to stop mid-run because I would be on the verge of tears…

Things started to feel uneasy at work. I found myself silently hyperventilating at times, and I often had to duck into the bathroom to let myself had a good cry.

I knew fully well I had nothing to be upset about. I stopped taking the medication because things were going well. I wasn’t too concerned about these symptoms arising because I was expecting them as part of the withdrawal process.

Everything would be better in a few weeks…

But it seemed as though things were slowly retreating and heading in the opposite direction. The throbbing headaches did stop after three weeks. I wasn’t crying uncontrollably everyday either, but my mood was no longer at the same elevated level that it has been in mid-summer.

And perhaps it was because my environment, the one I thought I had control over, was starting to become more overwhelming than I ever imagined it would be.

Having the patience to learn and speak Italian was becoming a stressful chore.

Work was becoming something I was slowly starting to dislike. I resented the idea that my position wasn’t as flexible as I thought it would have been. I felt like my skills weren’t being appreciated. And having these feelings woven through a five-day work week was an feeling that grew unbearable by the minute.

As fall turned into winter, I thought time would make things better, but with the rise of COVID infections, we were back in a lockdown in late October. I was resenting the fact that I had yet to travel outside of Milan or Como, and I was counting on the winter holidays to make my Rome trip a reality.

But that of course didn’t happen.

At least I wasn’t alone during the holidays, but my anxious thoughts and depression still would not leave me, even though I knew I had a full week off from work to take in the last of 2020 (although, what was really there to take in?).

I kept thinking about how I was “wasting” my time off because I wasn’t able to travel. Or ruminating over what experiments I should be planning my first week back at work, even though that was the last thing I wanted my thoughts to dwell on…

Castel Baradello hike the day after Christmas. It was a beautiful sight, but my mind was gripped with anxiety about my week off ending soon…

And with the arrival of 2021, things still seemed to not “feel” any better. Yes, I was finally able to move into apartment that wasn’t the size of a claustrophobic closet, and with a balcony (something that was a top priority), but I still felt unsettled 😔

I thought I would appreciate a long, cold winter after months of painful humidity and encapsulated heat, but I guess I didn’t know what I was asking for when it came to an Italian winter. The weather became piercingly cold, and the sky always seemed to match my mood—gray, dreary, tired, depressing…

I tried to keep my mind away from the gray by appreciating things I knew would bring me joy.

Like, (finally) buying a Nespresso machine so I could have coffee on my terms.

Or stopping for adorable cats that ‘meow’ back and don’t mind being coddled.

And even trying to shift back to daylight runs vs. the nighttime runs I had a habit of partaking in during the summer. Because every ounce of sunlight helps.

Work continued to aggravate me. I still felt like I was doing tasks that weren’t adding to my skill set, and that what I was doing had no relation to what I thought I had signed up for.

Looking back, I find it ironic that in the phone calls I had with my Dad during this time, I’d semi-joke about having a breakdown at work given all the emotional turmoil that had been building up for the past several months.

And, then it happened right on cue 🙃. Before I broke down into a solid cry that drenched even my blue disposable mask, I was having a meeting with my boss, during which she expressed her disappointment with how things were going (I would later learn that she had been described by others to push people to their breaking point in an effort to get the most work out of them). I didn’t have the energy to explain my situation, so I let my emotions do the talking.

She seemed to understand immediately, and offered help where she could. At least that situation got me into a doctor’s office for the first time in Italy 🙄. I knew counseling had helped me in the past, but this time, I already knew what my trigger was.

A stressful, overwhelming environment.

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Since my breakdown as a junior in high school, I have accepted that depression will always be a condition in my life, and that it may need managing from time-to-time.

When I felt out of control with where I would be going to college and troubles at home with mom, diving into an eating disorder was my solution.

When I felt deep anxiety about the fate of my PhD, and the paper I was anxiously trying to publish for a timely graduation, Dr. S and my willingness to try medication for the first time was my solution.

And I thought Italy would be a long-term solution. Especially for the irritability and ennui that popped up in recent years, but it turned out that Italy was an issue of her own.

COVID has been an obvious key player in this, and it’s hard to say how things would have turned out if I had arrived in Italy back in early 2020 as originally planned, and if the world had not been shaken by COVID.

But ongoing events have made me realize that the biggest trigger of my current depression “flare” is directly associated with the very reason I came to Italy in the first place. And how do you manage and cope when the very thing that is your livelihood causes so much distress?

Recently, I’ve been fortunate to have possibilities open up. Knowing that there may be a way out has put my mind at ease, but at the same time, there’s no guarantee that the solution to cutting myself off from the triggers here will help me somewhere out there.

That’s why I’m trying my best—with whatever ounce of energy I do have—to take things day by day. Making sure to sip my coffee, savor a relaxing dinner at home, and pet that furry cutie before each run…

When it comes to using medication to manage my mental health, I personally do not want to get near it ever again. I’m sure it works wonders for some, but that doesn’t mean it works favorably for everyone.

Managing my depression has led me to prioritize my happiness no matter what. I acknowledge that what I may constitute as happiness right now in life could change over time, but even so, I believe that if we make it a priority to live in ways that ensure balanced levels of happiness, we can encourage the same from those we interact with on a daily basis.

An infinite loop of happiness, wouldn’t that be nice?

Looking down on Como from Castel Baradello, two months after Christmas ❤

Reading Time: 8 minutes

It’s been seven months of living in Milan, and I think I’ve had plenty of pasta and pizza to satisfy my authentic Italian cuisine checklist.

What I truly miss are foods that are “sacrilegious” here, like pineapple pizza or bagel breakfast sandwiches made with eggs and cheese.

Not exactly my vegan favorites, but man do I miss the plethora of vegan options that were in Los Angeles...

Back when I ran a food-focused, lifestyle blog (Will Study for Food), I made it a priority to check out restaurants and write full reviews on them. It was something I truly enjoyed, and while I never got to an extreme level of “food influencer”, I was able to connect with local restaurants from time-to-time to participate in tastings, or review products from food companies that got in contact with me.

But I soon grew tired of constantly posting about food. My blog post format was starting to get repetitive because seriously, there’s only so many ways you can be creative when it comes to writing food reviews 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Since starting Second Gen Desi and moving abroad, I have started to miss my food blogging days, but here in Milan, I wasn’t in the mood to take pictures of every caffè or brioche I stumbled upon.

But since coming here, I realized it would be fun to at least try foods from local restaurants that I could group into a “category” for a later blog posts.

I thought that it could perhaps provide some fun during these dreary times, and especially help restaurants survive via the delivery services I started to use on the daily 😅

So with this in mind, I scoured the land for whatever vegan restaurants I could find. One I had the chance to dine-in at, twice, in the summer before everything went COVID-crazy again.

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So if you are vegan in Milan and are struggling with options, or you’re somewhere else in the world and find it unbelievable that the land of formaggio and proscuitto even has vegan options, scroll on down to see what I ended up finding 👇🏽!

1 ) Flower Burger (dine-in, Porta Venezia location)

I knew of Flower Burger even before coming to Italy, when I still participated in the food blogging-charade and stumbled across someone’s IG post featuring a plate of colorful vegan burgers. I remember saving the post under a file where I archived any intriguing restaurants outside of the US—in case I ever happened to travel to a particular country, I was ready with my “where-to-chow-down” list.

It’s amusing that I ended up eventually visiting Flower Burger, twice!

My second visit was in early September, on a weekday evening after work. I came prepared to order in Italian and not use my Bank of America credit card (not that using that particular card was a bad thing, but it was a dead-giveaway to the cashier that I was not an Italian native and a give-away that I was not a native Italian speaker…)

In this visit, I was successful in ordering an Ocean Burger—their special edition burger outfitted in a bright teal bun, sandwiching some good fixin’s including lettuce, tomatoes, guacamole, a thick quinoa patty, and a mayo-type sauce called “beach sauce”.

The burger came paired with patate savory (potato wedges), but I didn’t think to ask for an extra order of sauce.

This is something I’ve realized about Italians—they skimp when it comes to saucing their carbs!

Besides the “dry” potato situation, Flower Burger’s burgers were, in my mind, the go-to for vegan burgers in all of Milano.

That is, until lockdowns happened again in late October, and I discovered a new guy in town…

2) Black Out Burgers by Avo Brothers

I was scrolling through Deliveroo, an app that has gotten me through Italy’s oscillating restrictions, in early November when I first spotted BOB.

Unlike Flower Burger, they didn’t seem to have a brick-and-mortar store nor was their entire menu vegan-friendly. What made some of their selections vegan-friendly was using Beyond Burger in their “normal” dishes, but it was something else that made my eyes pop:

Britney’s No Chicken Burger

I was able to save a *bit* of money by making it a meal, getting some sweet potato fries on the side, TWO sauce cups, and a can of ice cold acqua frizzante.

The bag it came in helped me figure out why my burger was Britney’s (like, Britney Spears?)

Wowwww, oh wow—this meal was demanding to compete with what Flower Burger had to offer. The fries were incredibly sweet and earthy, and I made a wise choice by getting BBQ sauce and paprika mayo on the side for dipping. I was also able to request plant-based cheddar for the burger, the patty of which was incredibly crispy.

Anyone who says they can’t stand veggie/vegan burgers because they taste awful, and that they prefer the “real thing”, needs to try this. And be proved wrong.

From that point on, I ordered least one meal from BOB each week, usually on Monday nights since it served as a good pick-me-up for having to start a new work week.

I even raved about BOB on a vegan and vegetarian’s group chat I’m a part of with other expat women in the city 😂:

I gave BOB excellent reviews for quite a while after my first order, but when they made an egregious error regarding the last order I placed with them, that tampered with my trust.

Due to an order mix-up, I opened my bag to find a lovely beefy burger, and I decided to call it quits. Thankfully I caught it, but I was put-off from their lack of integrity and awareness for the customer.

I guess it was good while it lasted.

3) Avo Brothers

During my BOB obsession, I did take a break and order from the OG Avo Brothers.

Their menu had refreshing options like salads, bowls, and (vegan) desserts!

I opted for the Lolita Bowl, which wasn’t exactly vegan due to the halloumi cheese (which could always be taken out), but I went for it as is, keeping it vegetarian with the cheese.

I can see why it’s one of their most popular bowls (it says so on Deliveroo). It’s packed with spinach, avocado, purple cabbage, tomatoes, squash, beet hummus, and sunflower seeds 🤩

As far as the guilt-free brownie though….if I had known it would be so soft, chewy, and flavorful, I would have ordered at least….three? 🤣

4) Soulgreen

Soulgreen seems to be well-known by vegan expats here (at least based on the one chat group I’m in…), but from all of the times I’ve ordered from here, I haven’t been able to get away from the Falafel Wrap.

It’s an unassuming dish, with no fancy fillings, but it’s one of my favorites. Since it comes with potato wedges and ketchup (finally, a place in Milan that understands that some sort of condiment is essential when it comes to potato wedges and the sort 🙌🏽).

I’m used to falafel wraps with thick tahini-based sauces, but I was surprised by how the consistency was much like plain yogurt (very runny, and too runny for my liking).

I also wasn’t able to confirm if the sauce was dairy-free, so this ingredient might make this particular dish vegetarian rather than vegan.

5) MACHAPOKE

I was surprised to learn that sushi is incredibly popular in Milan, and in line with that, poke.

In LA, I always ended up doing a create-your-own type bowl if I ended up at a poke shop, so I could avoid the fish and get more of the other, better stuff 😉.

I was pleased to see that many of the poke shops on food delivery apps like Deliveroo offer vegetarian or even vegan bowls, and MACHAPOKE’s version is one of my favorites.

Their specific Vegan Poke bowl is so eye-catching—with a quinoa base, vegan burger balls (that actually look like falafel), avocado, broccoli, carrot, chickpeas, sunflower seeds, squash, and flaxseeds.

They threw in some chopsticks, soy sauce, and ginger, even though the bowl didn’t need it 😂. It was a struggle trying to get the last bits of quinoa with chopsticks, let me tell ya…

They also offer a vegan cheesecake, but since 75% of it is bland, it’s not worth a re-order. I didn’t expect the matcha layer to be too sweet, but I was hoping the middle layer would have been better in the sweet department (far from it). The bottom graham crust layer was the only part that was decent. Wish there had been more of that and not just like, 25%…

6) Cibo Vegan Food

Ah, Cibo Vegan Food—probably the most bland vegan outlet in all of Milan, and one of the priciest.

Due to a technical error on one weeknight, Deliveroo offered those who tried to place an order that evening a 5 euros off promo code to “make things right again”.

With that in hand, I could “splurge” a little and see if Cibo was worthy any hype.

Their menu was headache-inducing due to the Italian I had to comprehend after a long work day, but I ended up getting their vegan paella, a “cake” slice with pears and ginger, and “arancino di cereali misti”.

When my food arrived, I could tell not much work went into the packaging. I think the assumption that vegan places tend to be environmentally-friendly is an assumption gone awry…

Everything was double-wrapped in plastic

The vegan paella was nothing special—just flavored rice with bite-size pieces of tofu and tempeh mixed in.

The “arancino” reminded me of a bland falafel—not even the “soy” sauce (basically hummus) could help it out of the flavorless black hole!

Oh, and the excuse-for-a-dessert that was the pere e zenzero cake slice. It could have been sweeter is an understatement…it needed to be dipped into a pool of sugar 😂

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Just like it’s possible to live in Los Angeles without a car, it’s possible to eat vegan in Milan, if that’s what you truly want! LA has far more options, but for a city in a traditional country with (ridiculous) food rules, the options that are available in Milan are decent.

Perhaps when these lockdowns ease down 🤞🏽🤞🏽🤞🏽 I’ll be more motivated to see what else I can find…

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Appreciating America

Bellagio (Not the One in Vegas)

Day by Day

Vegano a Milano