american in italy – Page 5 – ⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆

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Making friends as an adult is HARD work, but to be honest, making friends as a kid was just as exhausting!

My Dad used to tell me that apparently I was quite popular in Pre-K in the UK. When we moved back stateside, I also remember being quite giggly and playful on the playgrounds of Oklahoma. I have no idea where those girls I made quick friends with are now, but being six and seven was pure heaven!

When we moved to California, things began to change in how my friendliness was perceived. My perky Oklahoma-grown personality was not received well by my judgey Californian classmates. The first seeds of self-doubt and “wanting to be liked” planted themselves within me, and boy, did they continue to grow from that point on…

While I wasn’t successful in building up the popularity I had in the UK and Oklahoma in California, as I got older, I thankfully had a peppy younger sister who prevented me from feeling completely like a loner…she gathered neighborhood kids, invited all sorts of fun gals to birthday parties and sleepovers, and never shied away from befriending the new kid in class.

But one day, puberty got a hold of her and the unabashed vulnerability she once had when meeting people was hammered away. In middle school, I learned about fake friendships, and faced first-hand how really mean girls could be. I was told to my face by two different girls in the 6th grade, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore”, out of nowhere.

Like, who does that and feels good about themselves?

So, great friendships were not a thing of middle or high school, given the circumstances. Thankfully, my sister’s early days of gathering neighborhood kids to play with us helped us forge a bond with our friend C, who I’ve known for 21 years now! But besides C, I wasn’t able to form any ever-lasting friendships throughout college. During my PhD, I became friends with E, a visiting scholar from Germany and a girl I had some crazy adventures around LA with, but when she went back to Germany in late 2017, I realized that becoming an adult means the definition of a friend changes.

While we desire for a friend to be someone we can be our true selves around, without pressure or judgement, I think in adulthood, the definition of a friend extends to “a warm, live being with a brain to accompany you for dinner”. At least, when you become an expat who’s traveled to a new country by herself.

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Given the pandemic, a not-so-great work environment, and a recurrent battle with depression, my first 1.5 years in Italy did not offer ample opportunities to make friends. There were language exchanges and one-time meetings with other expat women I met through a local WhatsApp group, but nothing that led to substantial relationships. In recent months, I decided I would review my current approach and “experiment” with a different strategy, as any scientist would do 😉, and “report my findings”.

I was inspired to try one strategy in particular, after my sister reported her success in Austin, TX. She signed up for Bumble BFF for the purpose of finding a group of reliable, relatable girlfriends she could hang out with in the city. After about six months on the app, she ended up forging relationships with a solid group of three girls, and now they meet for book club, weekend get-togethers, and all of their partners are boy buds too!

Needless to say, I was inspired, but I also knew that Milan might not result in a similar outcome…it’s an international city, yes, but expats are fleeting beings—all the girls I met between 2020-2021 through the WhatsApp group I am a part of, I only met once. There is one girl, I think I met twice, but given I left IG, I don’t have her contact anymore 😬..

Still, I decided to give it a go, since I was back in Milan for the month of May. I started a Bumble BFF profile within the first few days of coming back. The first Monday I was back was a national holiday in Italy, and for some reason, I felt like I *needed* to have plans to avoid being “lonely” on the random holiday. So while I got started on the Bumble BFF app, I left a message on the tried-and-true WhatsApp group I am a part of:

I wasn’t met with crickets for once. In a matter of minutes, I was able to schedule a lunch with one girl AND a mini late coffee with another girl, the latter of which ended up being a party-of-three deal since another girl messaged me later asking if she could join! I didn’t click too much with the girl from lunch, but I spent a lovely three hours with the two ladies I met for coffee (at a trendy place in Navigli, Tenoha Coffee). We liked each other so much, that we ended up meeting for aperitivo later that week—with two other girls I met previously at separate times.

It was the first time I felt like I took initiative to organize a “girl’s night out” and succeeded.

Once matches on Bumble BFF began to roll in, I’d say I had fun “surveying the samples”. Let’s be real—70% of the profiles that popped up look like this, and major eye rolls ensued on my end, each time:

And talk about trying to plug oneself! The sheer number of profiles with IG handles and the excuse of “I don’t use Bumble a lot, hit me up on IG!” No honey, I do not want to follow you on Instagram…

Never met this girl but YASS, tell it like it is SIS. (Roughly translates to – “please stay away from those who are only looking for new followers on Instagram.”)

Still, I sifted through the cookie-cutter profiles and was able to match with some girls who were able to handle conversations, at first…

I found that I was always the one initiating meet-ups. The purpose of this app is to find and make friends, that you meet in real life. I had no desire to waste my time sending “hey”s back and forth, which some young ladies on the app seemed perfectly fine doing 🤷🏽‍♀️

Since I also went on a work trip to Geneva this past month, I was able to see new profiles as my location changed. The type of profiles I saw definitely changed from what I saw in Milan—there were a lot more North American expats, women in law or international-based positions, and a collectively “keen” interest to meet outdoors 😂

I obviously never met any Geneva-based ladies, but I was fascinated with comparing what I saw in Geneva with what I saw in Milan.

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Overall, I think the app works with finding friends that fit my “new definition”, but finding quality friends for life will definitely take time and work from both parties. Sure, I’ve met some really great ladies so far, but time will tell if these acquaintances will turn into solid friendships in the future.

In the meantime, I recommend that any expat woman (or woman living in a new city, for that matter) give Bumble BFF or similar networking apps a shot. Even scouting for the local WhatsApp or MeetUp group for women in the city increases your chances of finding someone you click with.

At least try, before complaining that it’s impossible to make friends as an adult 🙃

At the same time, I think we should keep in mind of the following in our “quest” for friends:

Go in with intention

Why do you want to meet new people? Is it more casual in the sense that you just want someone to accompany your for dinner or coffee? Or do you feel like it’s essential to spend quality time with quality people, doing activities that you have a common interest in?

For me, I’m not going to waste time with girls who are purely searching for a buddy to take IG pics with, pretending to have fun. While my “runner gal pal with a dog and penchant for coffee and vegan food” has yet to be found, my intention with using these types of apps is to build potential friendships with like-minded people. To build a mini support system of sorts in a foreign land…

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt, but three strikes, you’re out

The thing about putting yourself out there and initiating things is, you learn how to spot flaky people, very quickly. And there will always be flakes. Despite the numerous occasions in my life I’ve been notified last minute with “I’m sooooooo sorry! Something came up at work!” or “Hey! I feel really bad but I can’t make it today…”, I still find myself giving people a chance (honestly, I thought flakiness was a Californian thing…it’s prevalent in Milan too, unfortunately).

First time it doesn’t work out, no worries. Second time, alright, but it better be a good reason, and after the third time? If there’s still an excuse, I’m done. At that point, it’s clear someone doesn’t want to make the effort, so why waste my time? It sounds like a harsh approach, but it saves so much headache in the long run.

Unfortunately, I encountered a few of these girls on the app this month. Some of these girls who had given me excuses multiple times even had the gall to shoot a “hey” message, out of the blue, with no follow-up.

So, do you want to meet-up? Do you want to get a coffee and use this app for the reason it was intended? No? Bye.

When you make plans with someone, prioritize it like a job interview

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone agrees to meet at a specific day and time, does not follow-up at all, and literally five minutes before the planned meeting time, they pop in with a message saying, “Hey! I’m sorry something came up!” or “Oh my gosh, I’m really sorry but I’m running 1 hour late”.

Seriously? No.

Sure, emergencies pop up. Things out of our control take precedence, but if it happens all the time with the same person? It’s definitely a huge red flag for me. If someone can’t be respectful of your time, how can they be respectful of anything else?

If you’re not vibing, it’s okay to stop trying to make it work

This is something I’ve recently had to embrace, given that I always try to please people and prevent hurt feelings. But sometimes, someone can be “triggering” through their actions or personality, and it’s okay to walk away from that if it means prioritizing your mental health.

I’ve walked away from flakes, people addicted to their phones, people who expect you to listen to them the entire time, only to look bored when it’s your turn to talk…

That’s rude, and simply not ideal for a friendship.

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After what has felt like an incredibly long month in Milan, I’m glad I went through with this “experiment” of mine. I met some girls I hope I can meet again when I return, and I also quickly learned that life is too short to spend on people who can’t give you what you need, relatively speaking.

Peace out to all the flakes and fakes. Time is just as precious as money, and I’d rather spend it with real ones.

For my next month in Houston, I plan to use the app to try and meet with local lady runners. I’ve found absolutely zero (women) athletes on Bumble BFF in Milan…let’s see how Houston fares 🤣

BONUS POST – Curious about how Bumble Date looks from Milan, Italy? My time on that version of the app was short-lived (thankfully!), but what I saw in July 2020 was quite interesting…click here for a good LOL.

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The first time I “stepped into the world of dating” was soon after my PhD graduation in Los Angeles. It was short-lived, but my first time using a dating app—Bumble.

Bumble seemed to have a decent reputation, since women get to make the “first move”. Tinder terrified me due to the reputation it had, so I made the wise choice and stayed away.

But Bumble in LA didn’t go anywhere, because I began to have doubts, and decided I wasn’t ready. I was also still trying to make Italy work out, and knew that if that was in my future, starting something in LA wouldn’t make sense.

So, once “Lockdown One” was out of the way and I was settled in Milan, I braced myself for a new adventure…

Luckily, I didn’t have to spend too long or waste too much time, but I caught a few screenshots that were too hilarious not to share.

Sometimes dating isn’t scary or frustrating, it’s low-key this-got-me-rolling-on-the-floor-LAUGHING.

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After things initially opened up post-Lockdown One, it was no surprise that Bumble was flooded with people.

Is that the reason why literally every other guy in the line-up was named Stefano? 🤔

Now I feel like doing a historical deep dive to analyze why women who had children in the late 80s/early 90s were so fond of the name Stefano 😂

And if not Stefano, then Luca…

In case you didn’t catch it, Luca is into traveling.

Curt Luca was a gem:

After he said “no”, our conversation died 🔥.

While Stefano and Luca are quite common in Italy, not so sure about these ones…

Febreeze here think he’s gonna find Swifer? Ma lookin’ for a female Pa? What is with these guys? 😅

Girls aren’t the only ones plugging their socials on here…guys do it too, on top of adding some emoji flare to their bios and showing off their “command of English” 😅

There are also ambitious guys with no sense of creativity:

I will admit, I got tired of the constant travel pics and half-naked gym bro poses, but at the same time, this guy’s “unique” pic caught me off guard 🪒 …

Who thinks mid-shave, “what a perfect opportunity for a selfie?”

Speaking of “out of the box”, this dude hit it out of the park—like what?!

I saw this dude and was like NOPE. This is straight up animal abuse and exploitation of endangered animals. STEER CLEAR.

And for the *GRAND* finale, we’ve got ourselves a classic creep!

Obviously I had no interest in his creepy request, and reported him immediately. Actually, this goes back to my point of intention that I made in my post about making friends—don’t lose track of what your goals are, and don’t lead someone on. In this case, if this guy wanted to “just do some sexting” all along, why did he waste my time pretending to care about how I spent my weekend? Etiquette guys, etiquette.

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My heart goes out to anyone who has felt frustrated and hopeless by the world of dating. It really is a mixed bag out there, but having the right attitude goes a long way…sometimes, it may even make your search last shorter than expected 😉. And don’t forget to step back and have a good laugh—a good laugh at us crazy humans doing crazy things trying to impress one another in the name of love 😂.

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So, this is my first blog post after deleting @secondgendesi from Instagram a little over a week ago, and the timing couldn’t have been better. I will admit that I experienced a huge amount of FOMO in the days after deleting. Feeling weird about not “posting to stories”. Experiencing sadness and crazy mood swings…it really is scary how social media can play with our mental health so intensely…

These feelings wore off about 4 days after I quit, in the middle of my work trip. Perhaps it was the packed schedule of my first industry conference, but it became easier and easier to not give a thought to the “world” I left behind. There’s no pressure to keep up with other peoples’ stories, or watch who likes my posts or views my story and get mad at those who don’t…

At the moment, my only connection to IG is through a science education account. I use it to share information about clinical trials in an easy-to-follow way, and it is meant to provide *some* useful content on a space so many spend time on.

This blog however, is the still the perfect place to elaborate on life things, and share it with people who actually care. Including things like life abroad experiences and global business trips.

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While I won’t explicitly say the name of the conference I went to, you can probably put two and two together after a little internet search, if you are that curious 😅. It was my first time in Switzerland in the French side (as an adult, not a five-year-old), and taking the train from Milan on an early Tuesday morning for a 4-hour ride was a very “European” experience.

I was traveling alone, since some of my colleagues drove on their own (dang!), took a plane, or took earlier trains. I was supposed to travel with my boss boss, but plans are always changing for directors so I had a feeling I’d be traveling on my own (which I was fine with).

The train was headed in the direction of Domodossola, a border city in Italy near the mountains. Once we passed the border, I had to rely on my company phone for data and a mobile hotspot, since my personal phone plan is a cheap Italian one that only offers good data service within the EU 🙄.

Regardless, once in Swiss territory, the views only got more beautiful with the distance. Once we approached Montreux, then Laussanne, we were encircling Lake Geneva which brought with it some gorgeous views. I of course had a headache, and couldn’t appreciate these gorgeous views to the extent I wished I could.

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Once I arrived in Geneva at noon, I had to find the bus that would take me to PalExpo, where my conference was taking place. Years of navigating public transit in foreign cities has helped me to figure out new cities with ease, but even then I face hiccups. I spent about 20 minutes waiting on the opposite side of the station for the bus, and only after a kind woman helped a French-speaking bus driver translate did I realize I had to walk back to the right side of the station.

My patience was wearing a bit thin, since Tuesday wasn’t a “good mood” day due to my social media “withdrawl”, my heavy bags, and accumulating sweat on my work clothes 😅.

Things were fine once I checked in at the expo, dropped off my bags at our company’s booth, and joined my colleagues for a talk being given by one of our scientific collaborators. Besides the collaborator just staring at me upon a colleague introducing us, not offering a handshake, and asking “do you speak Italian?” in the most judgy way, the talk went fine 🙃.

I went to some more talks in the afternoon, met with some companies we might be interested in collaborating with, and also snapped up some freebies wherever possible. I came away with ALL the vitamins, gummies, rice snack bars, and reusable bags…my countless experience with race expos came in handy here.

My half-day at the expo was tiring, yet I managed to have enough energy to chat with one of our sales guys on the shuttle back to the hotel. My colleague helped check me in, and once I got up to my room, I could not help but crash on the bed and lay motionless for a full hour—but not without taking some pics first.

A luxurious bed with some expo freebies on top

Concierge reminded me I could “order” a complimentary pillow before 10pm. I didn’t take advantage of it because I was too tired to make the choice, but some of these options sounded intriguing:

I had to get ready for a dinner out with some colleagues, which also felt exhausting because it was an added “Italian immersion” session for my brain. When I have the energy, it makes tackling language learning a *bit* easier, but after a long, busy work day that was already full of interactions? My brain was dead, and the bland excuse of a pasta dish (the only vegetarian option, of course) I had at the overpriced restaurant we visited did not help…

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The next morning, I surprisingly had enough energy to squeeze in a 3 mile run before the day’s events. Geneva is a beautiful city to run around in:

I got up at 6, and after the run, shower, and getting ready, I was waiting for everyone in the lobby at 8:00 sharp.

Too bad the shuttle was scheduled to arrive at 8:30.

My colleague spotted me and urged me to get some breakfast, since the day’s events were set, but could turn unpredictable. I couldn’t say no, since it was a business trip meal expense, after all.

I was obviously tired of bread and pasta, so I took a stab at the cold bar. Got some interesting picks for “breakfast”, including pickled onions, jam, cream cheese, hard-boiled eggs, and goji berries. I even asked for a cappuccino, but it never came. Sadly, I couldn’t be patient. I had to dart back to the lobby so I wouldn’t miss the shuttle at the actual time!

Wednesday was packed with more talks, booth visits, and two presentations particularly important for my company. One of the presentations was right before “lunchtime”, and I knew I had to eat something or I’d collapse.

Too bad the organization of the expo regarding food options was abyssmal. Swiss prices are crazy to begin with—at least have plenty of food hot ‘n’ ready for hungry industry professionals!

I had to choose between a 20CHF salad (that I wasn’t sure would fill me up) or 20CHF crepes made with egg, cheese, and spinach…the crepes won over.

Egg, spinach and cheese crepe — the food truck ladies packed the spinach on THICK. Which was appreciated, but I had to make sure none of this spilled on my dress!!

Was it worth waiting 40 minutes in line, plus another 20 for the crepes to be made? Not really, but my ravenous stomach begged to differ.

Anyone else hate eating hot/oily food when you’re dressed up? I’m so paranoid about sweating from the effort of eating—it’s a never-ending struggle!

I managed to make it to the end of the day, but not without feeling like a truck had run me over. On the shuttle back to the hotel (after waiting under the heat of the uncharacteristically hot May sun…), I found myself falling asleep, and once I got back to my room, I crashed.

Still, I had to make it out for yet another “team dinner”. Actually, we started off with aperitivo, or whatever it’s called in French Switzerland. I didn’t complain too much because 1) there was a fantastic cool breeze that made me feel cold for once and 2) the view was breath-taking:

After my colleagues downed their Aperol spritzes and I my orange juice, we went downstairs to the hotel restaurant. The lighting was dim and I was around people, so I wasn’t going to be that girl and take obnoxious photos.

I did partake in obnoxiously-priced Swiss food and a custom-made pea risotto, because yes, only ONE item was vegetarian on the entire menu…

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The next morning was one that I did not spring out of bed for—I sacrificed what could have been the perfect opportunity for another run around Geneva, for an extra hour in bed. I also had hotel breakfast again, and this time, I got my cappuccino in time.

It looks adorable, but tasted *oh so* bland.

Thursday was the last day of the expo, and also the slowest. I was able to fit in some last minute booth meetings, after getting a shot of espresso from our booth closet (lol) and resting at one of our tables for an hour.

I left with my colleague around lunch to catch the train back to Milan. We got some lunch and snacks to-go from Migros, a local Swiss store chain, and shockingly, our combined total for lunch, snacks, and chocolates to bring back to share with colleagues that stayed behind ended up being 90 CHF….how?

At least one of the items of that purchase was a good one: vegan chewing gum that had a fantastic flavor:

It was a slow four hours back, but at least I slept well that night. The next day was still a working day, but at least my inbox was pretty quiet 😅.

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For my first ever industry-related event-focused business trip, Geneva was not a bad destination at all. This was also the first time post-COVID I experienced long-term interaction with thousands of people (I didn’t talk to all of these people, but just navigating a large crowd again…man, it was exhausting!).

This trip was also a reminder of the language barrier I still face. I had my share of “how’s your Italian going?”/”do you speak Italian?”/”why don’t you speak Italian?” questions thrown at me on this trip, and of course it’s an annoyance I know will pop up as these events continue. I said in a recent post that while picking up Italian would be nice, it really isn’t my ultimate goal. I have so many other dreams that I hope I can make true, and speaking fluent Italian isn’t necessarily one of them…especially if it means I’d have to sacrifice time spent to make the other dreams possible.

But of course, is that politically correct to say as an expat? Am I just being a stubborn American?

Maybe, but maybe I’ve also struggled and failed way too many times in the past to feel motivated enough to try again.

Some thoughts to pick up on in a future post…I’m sure I’ll experience more situations that will elaborate on this issue further, and perhaps better explain why language learning has been one of the greatest banes of my existence…

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This month has been so calm, peaceful, and happy. I didn’t think I’d make it to such a mental state so quickly, but it’s happening.

Besides having a mini emotional breakdown at the end of January (being uncertain about the start of my business trip given the Omicron scare and waiting on the Italian consulate to process critical documentation to begin my EU Blue Card application were my triggers), I’ve felt relatively calm ever since, and I’ve welcomed it with an embrace of a mother who just saw her grown kids after 10 years 😅.

I know that I would have never found my current position in industry if it had not been for academia driving me out of toxic working conditions, but I do wonder what would have happened if I had joined my current company back in June 2020, rather than pursuing a post-doc, if everything I have been provided with so far was provided to me back then 🤔. I am almost certain Italy would have tasted sweeter.

Maybe as sweet as this donut I had the other day? I know, not Italian, but when it comes to breakfast, my cravings are all-American.

I definitely would have been over the moon about the Italian course they are willing to cover. Right now, I feel like I have to force myself to get motivated.

Despite the harsh reality I ended up having to face, I am forever grateful for the current calmness of 2022, and the calmness of my return to Milan especially. I mentioned in the linked post that I face doubts about what my current “passions” are, and if I will find success and happiness if I continue to pursue them, but I must also acknowledge that the new work-life balance I’ve found has allowed me to figure this out, day by day.

With running, I am finding my mental and physical stamina again. In the weeks leading up to my departure to Milan, I was running 9-10 miles for long runs on Sunday mornings. It was easy to zone out, get lost in my Spotify playlists, and enjoy the long Texas roads, stumbling across the occasional longhorn and galloping baby calves 😍.

While in Italy this month, I crushed my long run goals, going back to running distances that once came second nature to me. 11, 12, 13 mile long runs didn’t feel so intimidating this time around. I ran the hills of Como during these long runs, and I didn’t stop in a work anxiety-induced paralysis, which often prevented me from going the distance last year…

I feel good with my runs so far, even though I’m still off with my goal pace. But based on past experience, I know that increasing my weekly mileage will help. I’m trying to get back to where I was in 2017, where I was running 40-50 miles a week, in peak marathon training shape (pace-wise), and had built great comradery with my marathon training group as a plus. Running with people is a painkiller for me, it feels amazing to run with others, but finding a solid group of people to train with in Italy has been an impossible task. Especially due to the pandemic...

I have a half marathon in Texas scheduled in early April, and my hope while I am at home again for the next four weeks is to incorporate double runs (running in the morning and evening of the same day) again, to hit a higher weekly mileage. In Italy, it seems as though I’m better off finding people who smoke more than participate in cardiovascular exercise, frankly speaking, but we’ll see what happens as the months progress. While in Texas, it shouldn’t be too hard to stop by a Fleet Feet for a weeknight or weekend morning run with a group of like-minded runners 😀.

With writing, I go through moments of impassioned writing bursts, or days of procrastination. I think all writers can relate. Last year, I decided to stop writing short-forms on IG because it is a platform that doesn’t appreciate that kind of work. So now, my writing has become a private endeavor in the short-term, and this tests my patience immensely.

Coffee shop working and writing has always been a hobby of mine. It’s not a usual thing to do in Italy though…

I’ve chosen to keep the details of my writing projects private for now, but my close friends are writers themselves, and it’s been nice being able to bounce ideas off of them now and then. When I was back home, it was easier to write after work, and after an evening run. While in Italy, finding motivation to write in the evenings has been difficult, but I’m trying not to force myself if I don’t feel like it. I’m hoping for more days where I can bust out work in less than an hour due to passion (lol), like a post I wrote regarding Women’s Day. But even if those days are rare for now, I’m trying to use this time to figure out what works best for me when it comes to creating a “writing routine”.

Last week, I was successful in devoting 30 minutes to one of my projects every day, no matter what. Even if some of those sessions were not extremely productive, the minutes I had my doc open helped me in some form with the process as a whole. I’m hoping to continue meeting these “mini goals” because it’s better than not doing anything at all!

With my career, it’s something I’ve said a number of times but still holds true—leaving academia meant getting my mental health back. There is no doubt that me talking about running and writing here is because now I have the time to invest in them again.

I was also able to work remotely 2x a week while I was in Italy! It made long walks or lunchtime breaks outdoors so easy to fit in, and it definitely made me happy…

My job so far has been so perfect in terms of work-life balance, but even within the role, there have been discussions on what I can be involved with in the near future. Like, pipeline stuff. In the industry, this refers to a series of projects the company is working on or plans to work on. Some of the items proposed to me sound really exciting, and sound like they would utilize my skillset. Makes me feel important 😌

With life abroad, I still don’t know if I desire anything new. I had really high hopes during my first Italy stint, but learning the language is something that no longer excites me. Still, I will give it my best shot with the classes my company is offering me, it’s the least I can do, but if I had to choose between becoming an elite runner overnight or waking up speaking fluent Italian? I’d go with elite runner, hands down.

Do I want to travel? Sure, but only if the travel is spent with people I want to be with. I still haven’t been south of Florence when it comes to Italy. I’m saving places like Rome and Naples for when people I love can join me on those adventures. In the near-term, I don’t expect my family or close friends to be able to afford to see me in Italy, and so I have no complaints about going to see them where they are. My friend in Germany recently invited me to join her in Turkey for a few days during the summer to attend a wedding. I’d love to join her for that, only so I can spend quality time with her. I’ve heard Turkey is beautiful, but I don’t have the desire to go by myself at the moment. Such a stark difference from my solo travel days…

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It’s nice to be able to reflect on these past few weeks and be happy with them. I can only hope that things continue to go well and develop to my liking, but like I mentioned in a post from a few weeks ago, I’m attempting to adopt a “cruise control” attitude for all of these things. I know now that I can experience calmness for a long period, and that makes me feel so good.

And it only further drives home the point that our environment is so powerful, so do whatever you can to put yourself in a place that gives you the best possible.

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It has been almost one year since I left for Italy—a year that oftentimes feels like ten.

In pre-pandemic times, my excitement for a new life experience in Italy was based on what I had read in travel memoirs, heard from Italian post-docs in my lab, and honestly, a number of baseless fantasies thought up by moi.

I had made trips to Europe before with family and by myself, and I was expecting Italy to match the classic, European allure of the other countries I had visited. Unfortunately, my expectations didn’t exactly match my imagination, and a lot of that was due to the pandemic. I’m still holding out on Rome though—I’m dying to know if the Eternal City matches up to all the pre-teen dreamy scenes of the Lizzie McGuire Movie…

When I see pastel-colored Vespas, I immediately think **Lizzie McGuire Movie**…

This, and many other observations and experiences over the past year have led me to actually feel something I never thought I would, to the extent that I feel it now.

I am very, very proud to be an American.

Part of being a good American is complaining about America. We are enlightened about our right to free speech from a very young age, and it’s something we shamelessly take for granted. And of course, I was one of those complaining folks. I would shake my head with embarrassment every time America ended up on the news for a radical remark a president had said, or for decisions the American government had made that other countries had the right to tease us about.

I once thought I was one of a country of uncultured swine, but that is too cruel of me to say. Especially since I now realize no country is perfect, including Italy. I’m not saying America is without its faults, in fact, incessant gun violence and a money-guzzling healthcare system are not things to brag about. But as an American citizen, I’ve come to realize that there are plenty of things I have taken for granted that living abroad has made me reflect on and “re-appreciate”.

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1) Financial security…

Before coming to Italy and taking on a post-doctoral scientist appointment, I was given an award letter for my fellowship. At first glance, I thought WOW, they are paying me double what I’m getting now as a first-year post-doc/recent PhD grad!

Haha, there was a catch.

The full amount of the fellowship covered my employer’s expenses for having me on as an employee, taxes, and then finally my actual salary—which ended up being equivalent to a little bit more than what I was getting as a PhD student 😶😶😶.

I definitely was in shock upon realizing this, and before confirming my decision to take on the role, there was at least two weeks of back-and-forth with HR trying to understand where my fellowship money going. I was told by some Italian acquaintances that my net earnings were very good for Italy, which horrified me.

Good for Italy? Like, people are OK with this? I can’t imagine what someone working a “minimum wage” job takes home…

And perhaps the general population is “vabbe” about this because of communal, multi-generational living arrangements (i.e. NO RENT) and paying things “on the down-low with ca$h money” (i.e. what taxes?), but even so, I can’t see how this can be good economically in the long run…

This is not to say America is handing fistfuls of dollar bills to every person aged 0-99 (although 3 COVID-19 stimulus packages argue against this…), but there is definitely room to negotiate luxurious salaries with the right degree and industry. For example, an entry level medical science liaison, a high-profile position in the pharmaceutical industry that is often sought after by terminal degree holders, can earn on average $80-100k a year. In Italy, it’s around €55,000 a year, on average. Approximately $67,000 a year.

Personally speaking, I would jump on this amount given that my current job pays less, but it surprises me that there is such a striking difference in the starting salary of a highly-qualified position between two countries…

This discrepancy is also quite confusing to my cute neighbor.

2) Fashion freedom

Before moving to Italy (specifically Milan), I did give a good thought to reshuffling my wardrobe so that I fit the “bella figura” stereotype that is often associated with the culture.

But, I am a girl who lived in pajamas and running clothes for 3 months during the pandemic—what can I say? I’m very low maintenance!

I didn’t think twice about walking into a Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s after a long run when I was in the US. I’d be a sweaty mess, but I didn’t let that stop me from getting an ice cold kombucha and a vegan treat to-go. I suppose I didn’t have to be self-conscious about walking around town in workout gear if every other person was doing it too.

But Italy doesn’t seem to offer that “chill” attitude, not even if I’m actually working out! During a particularly hot workout one Sunday afternoon, I remember an elderly couple giving me side-eye because of my short running shorts and tank top. It reminded me of the many judgmental desi aunties I’ve come across over the years, but I was honestly surprised to come across this in a “Western” country like Italy.

Judgy people exist everywhere, but I can’t exactly say I feel comfortable wearing sweaty running clothes to take care of errands in Milan’s city center vs. somewhere in SoCal. I suppose it serves as an excuse to freshen and dress up for an otherwise mundane occasion, but there is something about convenience and a relaxed attitude when it comes to “American fashion” that I do kinda miss…

Actually running 🏃🏾‍♀️ around the Duomo in workout clothes is one thing, but stares are guaranteed if you stay in said clothes after working out and continue on with errands 🤷🏽‍♀️

3) Vegan options and freedom to be a foodie!

Southern California spoiled me when it came to vegan food options—as long as I frequented Whole Foods and Sprouts, as well as bookmarked up-and-coming vegan cafes and restaurants spanning the Los Angeles and Orange County areas, I was all set. I have always been a vegetarian, but picking the vegan option whenever possible has always been my prerogative. And without a doubt, this was so much easier to do in the USA…even when I spent 3 months in Oklahoma!

Milan does have a few vegan outlets, but the quirky idea of “vegan-izing” everyday meals just hasn’t caught on in Italy as it has in the US. I will admit however that when it does come to proper labeling of supermarket items, Italy does a good job of saying “adatto ai vegetariani” or “vegano” on the label. As a strict vegetarian, it can be troublesome when simply “caglio” (rennet) is listed on an ingredient label, but I have found many brands that list “caglio microbio” which makes things less complicated.

And yes, I’m all for the nut-based crema spalmabile (especially pistacchio!!), rich scoops of neighborhood gelati, and Sicilian cannoli, but the incomprehensible food “rules” like “cappuccinos after noon are sin” or “pineapple on pizza deserves jail time” will never, ever make sense to me.

Even though I personally believe everyone has the right to have a cappuccino at any time of day, this is one “rule” I have ended up following due to daily routine. Sometimes the timing works out and a *pistacchio latte* is able to work it’s way into your day 😊

I just know that if a country is vehemently unaccepting of pineapple on pizza and BBQ sauce, I really do have to applaud America as being the land of the free (for foodies!). 😅

4) Feeling myself

I think the realization that I would always be innately me, wherever in the world I went, has hit me the hardest from all of these items listed.

In the US, I tended to lean towards the introverted side of the spectrum, but around friends and people I trusted, I was a chatty, witty, and incredibly fun person to be around. In professional settings, I felt absolutely comfortable speaking to colleagues, giving presentations, and mentoring my juniors.

And I believe part of this is because of my strong command of English. It is right now the only language I speak fluently, and it is the only way for me to express myself. My forays in writing have only enhanced my exposure to the language, and the fact that the US adamantly proclaims English as the one and only official language of the land makes things easier when it comes to communication and expression.

In Italy however, I feel like this identity is not quite the same. Opportunities to improve my Italian have been minimal, and the interactions I do have with people I come across on a daily basis have been restricted to English. Despite this, I oftentimes feel like I have to hold back when it comes to my true self. American slang and references can leave people lost, and so I’m not left with much to hold an “engaging” conversation. When I do attempt Italian, I am shut down when the person on the other end switches to English without giving me a chance. Just like in America, patience can be a hard thing to find in Italy.

I believe if I am given the opportunity to express myself in the truest sense, it will be possible to find and enjoy the person I am here, but it also depends on if I will ever find my people here. Friends who understand my humor, share similar interests, like the same TV shows (it doesn’t help that I like the American shows that have yet to cross the Atlantic on Netflix…). Social media and women’s’ networking circles can only do so much—at the end of the day, new, trusting relationships* require work which can be utterly exhausting.

*I should add that there is one relationship in my life that has blossomed since my stay in Italy, and it has allowed me to be myself to the fullest☺

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Maybe a lot of this reflection is fueled by homesickness, and the fact that I haven’t seen my family in almost a year. Even though I’ve lived on my own since 2014, this is the first time I’ve been oceans apart from the people I feel most comfortable around.

Maybe a visit home would help give me a much-needed reset to tackle Italy again under new and improved, recovery-from-COVID-19 circumstances. This past year has been a rough ride emotionally, and I’m sure this has also influenced a lot of the opinions detailed in this post.

Still, I won’t deny the fact that living abroad—living in Italy—has given me a new-found appreciation for the country of my birth: something I have struggled with for years, but now I find easy to accept, with open arms.

Let’s Be Friends

Bumble Date in Milan, Italy: Come Here for a Laugh

Expat Adventures: An American’s Italian Work Trip to Geneva

Keep Calm & Carry (Yourself) On

Appreciating America