expat blogger – ⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆

Pree February 7, 2023 Freiburg, Germany

Freedom in Freiburg: Escaping the Prison of Milan

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I recently made a trip to Freiburg, Germany, and boy, was it a few days of reprieve from the onslaught of life in Milan (I came back from the US a little over two weeks ago, and Milan didn’t wait a second to put me in a chronically awful mood…).

Even if I didn’t choose Germany as my expat destination, I certainly have more respect for it than Italy 😅.

Looking back at this grand Black Forest during my 14 miler.

When I was actively putting an effort into Italian, I came across an interesting “quirk”: when trying to translate a phrase from English to Italian in my mind, I would often first think of the phrase in German.

For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how to say “How much does that cost?” in Italian, but “Wie viel kostet das?” hit my brain at lightening speed. When I shared this phenomenon with others, no one seemed to relate.

Perhaps this is only an issue only receptively bilingual folks can relate to—those who have become familiar with multiple languages passively, but are not 100 percent fluent in any of them except their native language (aka, me).

When it comes to Germany, my brain loves the order. The order in the grammar of the language, clear-cut rules (even if they’re a pain, you know what to expect), and a sense of practicality.

This is what drew me to the language in high school, along with the fact that it was a unique offering for language class. Most high schools offered Spanish, maybe French, but German was definitely a not so common offering.

Not to mention, my teacher was an exuberant second gen Chinese American who was probabaly more in love with Germany than any blonde-haired, blue-eyed man straight out of the Black Forest 😅.

German was my favorite class in high school because it brought relaxation after tense periods of AP science and calculus classes (the latter gave my digestive problems, no joke). I was Herr L’s star student (of course, my type A personality wouldn’t have it any other way) and I was known as Inge in his class (we had to pick German names for class, and I actually picked Inge because it sounded like a word in Tamil! 😁).

Calm, rainy Saturday morning in Freiburg

After high school, I tried to continue German in college, but my type A personality was scared to fail. After getting a C+ on my first assignment (an essay), I panicked. I dropped the course because I wanted to focus on making sure I didn’t fail my “more important classes” that would get me into med school 🙄.

My life went a different direction eventually, and obviously 😅. I chose Italy with intention, in that the next step was professional, but not only that…

I didn’t go to Italy for a boy like many other American girls, but I can’t deny the fact I wanted a piece of that Italian romance too! To be honest, I don’t think I would have taken that risk in finding love anywhere else…especially Germany 😂!

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All of this is to say German and I go way back, and my weekend in Freiburg definitely brought me much-needed peace.

On my way to Freiburg, I felt exhausted and perturbed. The exciting event I was referring to in my last post was indeed a job interview for my dream role (well, technically I’d like to write a NYT bestseller and live off the book’s income, but ya know, plan B 🙄…), and although I did well, I was passed on for an internal candidate.

The news hit me HARD and I was left in a funk for several days. Being in Milan didn’t help either…I knew I’d have to get back to my job search grind, and the unknown of that gives me anxiety every single freaking day 😔.

So this was on my mind as I sat aboard my first Flixbus (comparable to Megabus in America!). When I got to Freiburg a little over six hours later, I was still in a sour mood, but the quiet walk over to the hotel eventually softened me up.

I mean, there was a Dean & David (German fast casual chain with vegetarian and vegan options!!) next to the amazing Super 8 hotel I was staying at. I fueled with a halloumi salad and fruit and nut brownie before checking into this spectacular room:

Maybe it’s because I don’t like my life right now, but this hotel room got me feeling all sorts of emotional. Being able to leave Milan, even if just for two days, felt like I was able to escape a year-long stay in prison.

Taking multiple hot showers. Not having to worry about keeping the gas off to save on heating. Two comfy beds (lol, just cause I guess?).

Meeting my friend for dinner later was also such an uplifting moment. I felt incredibly relaxed, and so grateful we were able to meet up despite our crazy schedules. Good company truly does make life’s stresses feel a lot less daunting…

The next morning was wonderful as well. I slept in, had an amazing pancake breakfast, and walked around in the old town square, reveling in Freiburg’s humble cuteness.

I woke up happy that morning. I could feel it in my bones and my voice, and there had to be a reason for it.

That afternoon, I walked into a local store (Kaufland) and stocked up on vegan snacks and unique Pringles flavors not offered in Italy. Cheese and Onion, these Italians are missing out…

I prepped myself for a long run, and used it as an excuse to climb up to the Schloßberg and treat myself to incredible panoramic views of the city, as well as trail into the Black Forest. After a rewarding 14 miles with steep incline, I treated myself to dinner at Dean & David: vegan green curry and a golden milk latte.

My short stay in Freiburg was perfect, because it fed my soul without me expecting it to.

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Living in Milan has forced me to compromise and expect less than what I deserve, which is why I think it depresses me while other places restore me.

Despite what other expats in Italy say, things are not good here. That’s the truth. The cost of living is high, and the salaries are abysmally low, even for a post-doctorate like myself. People often tell me “I’m rich compared to others in Italy“, which is a frightening thing to hear…it means most Italians are living right above or close to poverty level when compared to American standards 😧. People also tell me that “well, you can leave whenever you want“, though it’s not that simple.

I need an exit plan. A parachute. A road map.

Yes, I’m tired of living like a nomad. I’m proud of the fact I am capable of being a minimalist, but I’d love to establish roots and live the life I truly deserve. Striving for that when your current situation numbs you is one of the hardest challenges I’ve had to face.

But then those challenges seem to instantly disappear when I am in the right environment…

I wish I could end this post on a more positive note, but reality sometimes prevents glimmers of hope from poking through. Freiburg was a blessing, a promise that I am capable of happiness. My recent, multiple trips to Houston and Austin too. The universe is asking me to be patient and brave. I hope I can continue to do so, and that the light at the end of the tunnel is near.

Pree March 21, 2022 Milan, Italy

Keep Calm & Carry (Yourself) On

Reading Time: 6 minutes

This month has been so calm, peaceful, and happy. I didn’t think I’d make it to such a mental state so quickly, but it’s happening.

Besides having a mini emotional breakdown at the end of January (being uncertain about the start of my business trip given the Omicron scare and waiting on the Italian consulate to process critical documentation to begin my EU Blue Card application were my triggers), I’ve felt relatively calm ever since, and I’ve welcomed it with an embrace of a mother who just saw her grown kids after 10 years 😅.

I know that I would have never found my current position in industry if it had not been for academia driving me out of toxic working conditions, but I do wonder what would have happened if I had joined my current company back in June 2020, rather than pursuing a post-doc, if everything I have been provided with so far was provided to me back then 🤔. I am almost certain Italy would have tasted sweeter.

Maybe as sweet as this donut I had the other day? I know, not Italian, but when it comes to breakfast, my cravings are all-American.

I definitely would have been over the moon about the Italian course they are willing to cover. Right now, I feel like I have to force myself to get motivated.

Despite the harsh reality I ended up having to face, I am forever grateful for the current calmness of 2022, and the calmness of my return to Milan especially. I mentioned in the linked post that I face doubts about what my current “passions” are, and if I will find success and happiness if I continue to pursue them, but I must also acknowledge that the new work-life balance I’ve found has allowed me to figure this out, day by day.

With running, I am finding my mental and physical stamina again. In the weeks leading up to my departure to Milan, I was running 9-10 miles for long runs on Sunday mornings. It was easy to zone out, get lost in my Spotify playlists, and enjoy the long Texas roads, stumbling across the occasional longhorn and galloping baby calves 😍.

While in Italy this month, I crushed my long run goals, going back to running distances that once came second nature to me. 11, 12, 13 mile long runs didn’t feel so intimidating this time around. I ran the hills of Como during these long runs, and I didn’t stop in a work anxiety-induced paralysis, which often prevented me from going the distance last year…

I feel good with my runs so far, even though I’m still off with my goal pace. But based on past experience, I know that increasing my weekly mileage will help. I’m trying to get back to where I was in 2017, where I was running 40-50 miles a week, in peak marathon training shape (pace-wise), and had built great comradery with my marathon training group as a plus. Running with people is a painkiller for me, it feels amazing to run with others, but finding a solid group of people to train with in Italy has been an impossible task. Especially due to the pandemic...

I have a half marathon in Texas scheduled in early April, and my hope while I am at home again for the next four weeks is to incorporate double runs (running in the morning and evening of the same day) again, to hit a higher weekly mileage. In Italy, it seems as though I’m better off finding people who smoke more than participate in cardiovascular exercise, frankly speaking, but we’ll see what happens as the months progress. While in Texas, it shouldn’t be too hard to stop by a Fleet Feet for a weeknight or weekend morning run with a group of like-minded runners 😀.

With writing, I go through moments of impassioned writing bursts, or days of procrastination. I think all writers can relate. Last year, I decided to stop writing short-forms on IG because it is a platform that doesn’t appreciate that kind of work. So now, my writing has become a private endeavor in the short-term, and this tests my patience immensely.

Coffee shop working and writing has always been a hobby of mine. It’s not a usual thing to do in Italy though…

I’ve chosen to keep the details of my writing projects private for now, but my close friends are writers themselves, and it’s been nice being able to bounce ideas off of them now and then. When I was back home, it was easier to write after work, and after an evening run. While in Italy, finding motivation to write in the evenings has been difficult, but I’m trying not to force myself if I don’t feel like it. I’m hoping for more days where I can bust out work in less than an hour due to passion (lol), like a post I wrote regarding Women’s Day. But even if those days are rare for now, I’m trying to use this time to figure out what works best for me when it comes to creating a “writing routine”.

Last week, I was successful in devoting 30 minutes to one of my projects every day, no matter what. Even if some of those sessions were not extremely productive, the minutes I had my doc open helped me in some form with the process as a whole. I’m hoping to continue meeting these “mini goals” because it’s better than not doing anything at all!

With my career, it’s something I’ve said a number of times but still holds true—leaving academia meant getting my mental health back. There is no doubt that me talking about running and writing here is because now I have the time to invest in them again.

I was also able to work remotely 2x a week while I was in Italy! It made long walks or lunchtime breaks outdoors so easy to fit in, and it definitely made me happy…

My job so far has been so perfect in terms of work-life balance, but even within the role, there have been discussions on what I can be involved with in the near future. Like, pipeline stuff. In the industry, this refers to a series of projects the company is working on or plans to work on. Some of the items proposed to me sound really exciting, and sound like they would utilize my skillset. Makes me feel important 😌

With life abroad, I still don’t know if I desire anything new. I had really high hopes during my first Italy stint, but learning the language is something that no longer excites me. Still, I will give it my best shot with the classes my company is offering me, it’s the least I can do, but if I had to choose between becoming an elite runner overnight or waking up speaking fluent Italian? I’d go with elite runner, hands down.

Do I want to travel? Sure, but only if the travel is spent with people I want to be with. I still haven’t been south of Florence when it comes to Italy. I’m saving places like Rome and Naples for when people I love can join me on those adventures. In the near-term, I don’t expect my family or close friends to be able to afford to see me in Italy, and so I have no complaints about going to see them where they are. My friend in Germany recently invited me to join her in Turkey for a few days during the summer to attend a wedding. I’d love to join her for that, only so I can spend quality time with her. I’ve heard Turkey is beautiful, but I don’t have the desire to go by myself at the moment. Such a stark difference from my solo travel days…

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It’s nice to be able to reflect on these past few weeks and be happy with them. I can only hope that things continue to go well and develop to my liking, but like I mentioned in a post from a few weeks ago, I’m attempting to adopt a “cruise control” attitude for all of these things. I know now that I can experience calmness for a long period, and that makes me feel so good.

And it only further drives home the point that our environment is so powerful, so do whatever you can to put yourself in a place that gives you the best possible.

Pree December 18, 2020 Verzasca Valley

A Verzasca Twist

Reading Time: 3 minutes

When I was given the greenlight to pack my bags for Italy in June of this year, I did not give a single thought to what would happen in the months after—let alone days after—arriving in Milan.

Once I was out of my self-quarantine, things began to take shape. I was able to socialize, meet new people, and get back to filling out my bucket list of all the places I wanted to visit now that I was living in Italy (of course looking back at it now, this seemed like a wishful thing to do as we are now trying to survive a second wave of COVID…).

My birthday was coming up in August, and my original plan was to visit Cinque Terre—but life had other plans that I was unwilling to pass on.

So on my 28th birthday, I wasn’t on a tourist bus snapping pics of coastal towns and the sea—I was several miles north, deep in the Canton of Ticino, Valle Verzasca.

From Northern Italy (Como), it takes about 1 hour by car and 3 hours by train to arrive here, and it’s difficult to miss.

Despite Italy being a sweaty mess that August afternoon, the weather in the valley was mild, cool, and cloudy—the definition of a perfect escape from the horrors of summer weather. So many others had the same idea that day…

Even though a lot of time was spent commuting, getting through one of the trails that was linked to a parking area took no more than an hour! And within that hour, there were so many picture-worthy sights to take in and return home with:

Honestly, my most favorite sight of the entire trek was this building—the blue window shutters against a white backdrop and flowers on the window sill? It just screamed classic Swiss/European design 😍.

Ultimately, I was glad I was able to celebrate my first day of being 28 years old in the middle of lush, Swiss greenery.

This was my last “trip” of the summer, right around the time others in Italy were preparing for their August getaways. I didn’t feel comfortable asking for an extended amount of time off at the time, since I had just started a new position, and I’m relieved I didn’t. At least I can say I didn’t put myself or others at risk for the sake of lounging on a beach…

Of course, I’d love to explore more of Italy and its neighboring countries when the time allows for it. Verzasca was a lovely teaser for what is still out there waiting for me…

2021, I hope you have more lush green landscapes in store for me...

Pree October 30, 2020 Milan, Italy

Benvenuti a Milano

Reading Time: 10 minutes

Relatively speaking, living in Italy was on my radar much later, and more recently in my life.

When I began my PhD in August 2014, working abroad for my post-doc never came across my mind. I was too infatuated with Los Angeles, and pre-occupied with my obsession with nutrition, partially influenced by my controlling eating disorder.

But as the years slowly inched forward, I found myself on a healthier path, finally coming to terms with my body and oh, so troubled mind. With more fuel for my brain, I was able to focus on different aspects of life, and go beyond my tunnel vision of calories and nutrients.

As I made more wholesome relationships, began to network, attend conferences, and travel on my own, I realized I had a desire to grow beyond what I had cultivated in Los Angeles. I grew tired of the city, and as friends began to graduate and leave for other places, I grew tired of the people as well. I was aching for a change, and it was throbbing deep within my soul.

At first, Spain was on my mind as a potential location for “my next chapter”. When I came back from my first international trip/business trip/solo trip (3-in-1 😂) to Barcelona in September 2017, the next several months were full of daydreams that occupied my mind during my commute to work.

After getting a taste of what could be, I was eager to find a way back, even if I had to wait at least two more years to finish my PhD!

I downloaded Duolingo, and started “learning” Spanish. I found several post-doc fellowships to keep in mind of, and I had a folder where I kept all of their links in my Chrome browser.

As work began to pile up in my current position—especially as I entered into my fourth year—I put my Spanish daydreaming on hold. I was determined to make it happen, but I obviously had a PhD to complete first! Somewhere amidst the chaos, I realized that the only “decent” post-doc fellowship for a non-Spanish/non-EU citizen was in it’s last year—in 2018. I knew that it wouldn’t work out after all, but I was still eager to make it to Europe.

As if on cue, Italy popped up. A random Google search one day led me to a page for a fellowship program that offered funding to non-Italians for 3 years to do cancer research.

As one thing led to another, I found the perfect primary investigator (PI) to support my application. We began exchanging emails in March 2019, submitted my application in June 2019—a few weeks before my thesis defense actually 😉—and received the good news in November 2019.

When I realized Italy was happening, I was beyond ecstatic. I would become not only an Italian, but a Milanese.

And it was going to happen in late February 2020…until it didn’t.

As we all know, COVID happened. It allowed me to spend quality time with family, but the circumstances in Italy seemed dark and hopeless. I’d refresh the Worldometer stats each day to see if there would be a drop in cases, but every day of April 2020 just brought upon more and more anxiety.

I was honestly beginning to lose hope. I thought of back-up plans, and took a break from learning Italian. If I wasn’t so sure I was going anymore, what was the point?

But things finally took a positive turn at the end of May 2020. I was receiving emails again, got the greenlight to return to LA to process my visa, the go-ahead to book my tickets and temporary apartment, and finally allowed to comfortably imagine what my new life would be like…

…beautiful buildings at every turn, friendly colleagues, warm Italians who spoke not one word of English and who would delight in my attempts to learn the language, making new friends, frequenting fancy aperitivi, dating for the first time…

And this new life began on June 23, 2020.

Seeing Milan for the first time, up in the air…

And my first impressions of the city were…wow, everything feels much smaller, and not as grand as I was thinking…

The most bizzare part was not going through a passport/visa check. My flight path was Los Angeles ➙ Paris ➙ Milan, and there was some paperwork I had to fill out between LA and Paris, but the fact that nothing was checked was very weird…especially during the age of COVID.

Still, I followed everyone out, hauled my three hefty pieces of luggage + my carry-ons to where I met a family acquaintance. My cousin’s husband (the folks we met in Dubai) connected me with one of his work contacts who lived in Milan, and she thoughtfully offered to help me get into the city and get some groceries for me since I had to complete a two-week quarantine upon arrival.

My temporary stay was in an Airbnb that I thought was affordable and a decent distance away from work—but there were definitely drawbacks. The small space in the not-so-gorgeous neighborhood of Cimiano did not help emphasize the idea that Milan was a gorgeous, fashionable European city…

When someone asks what you need for 2 weeks, it can be tough to answer. For me at least, since I only buy a few things at a time…but I was asked to give a list of everything I needed, so my mind went to the basics—milk, cheese, eggs, bread, fruit, veggies, pasta. Needless to say, my diet was very well-rounded in those 14 days

But I had to get used to these “cozy” accommodations because it was my abode for, at least, 14 long, isolating days. I got used to sleeping in late (10/11am for me!!), running in place to get my exercise in, having breakfast and lunch around noon, taking a nap in the afternoon (man, I miss those naps now…), and trying to keep myself occupied (and sane) until night.

Fresh fruit with a view (?) – I rarely go for oranges or grapes, so you know I did not get to picky with that quarantine shopping list 😅

Surprisingly, those two weeks did go by pretty quickly looking back.

The first thing I did to ease myself out of my quarantine was get used to the local park settings. Parco Lambro was only a mile away, and it has since become my go-to place for my weekday morning runs.

It was here that I met my first friends in Milan—the good ol’ topi muschiati

The muskrats of Parco Lambro. Doesn’t it look like a mother eggplant and a baby kiwi? 😂

As my end-of-quarantine day neared, so did my groceries. I was still a bit hesitant about going out grocery shopping in an Italian grocery store for the first time, but I put on my mask and walked 30 minutes to a supermarket when there was one about 10 minutes away from where I was staying 🤣

I was supposed to stay at my current residence until the end of July, but due to my Airbnb “host” not being cooperative with certain pieces of paperwork required for my Permesso di Soggiorno, I had to quickly find another residence.

The back and forth with Airbnb regarding this issue was an absolute nightmare, and honestly worthy of it’s own blog post. Doubt I would ever find the time and energy to rehash that experience here on the blog, but that experience alone has made me look to support other home-stay companies in the future…

Luckily, I did find another place in a timely manner, and my boss even helped me move—which was shocking to me, only because I’ve never had a boss who helped me with things in my life outside of work 😂.

As I settled into my second residence, I also began work soon after. It felt weird to work in the lab again after many months working remotely, but a new environment, new colleagues, and a new project was what I needed to feel productive again.

And knowing I had the following weekend to explore without quarantine restrictions was a sweet thing to look forward to.

I didn’t venture out too far during my first weekend of freedom. I stayed within the vicinity of the northeast corner of the city, with my main goal for the day being to order an authentic Italian cappuccino in Italian.

And I was successful, but I was too shy to ask for some dolci along with it. Let alone zucchero. But evern without the sweetness, I was happy with my warm cuppa from UpCycle Milano:

The end of my quarantine however also coincided with the start of unbearably hot summer temperatures. I ended up walking from the cafe, which was in the Citta Studi neighborhood, to only a few blocks south before turning around.

Politecnico di Milano was my turn-around point

So I didn’t trek through much in that first weekend, but I was able to plan for the next weekend properly. I pretty much explored “most” of Milan within this weekend, as I made it a point to get out of the apartment and check out as many neighborhoods as I can, even if I was feeling a little lonesome and homesick.

At Parco Sempione, I was able to meet up with a fellow runner for a hot evening run.

We haven’t met since, but it was a nice excuse to get some miles in in a new place.

From there, I fell in love with Brera, probably my most favorite area of Milan.

If I could find an affordable place in Brera…wow, sign me up!

Now this was what I was thinking ALL of Milan would look like 😂.

A stroll through this beautiful neighborhood eventually led me to the cuore of the city, the Duomo:

Funny how even in the middle of July, the “crowds” were not much!

Oh, and the galleria next to the Duomo made me speechless…

So this made for an eventful Saturday (evening), yet I wanted to do some more exploring on Sunday.

Stumbling upon Piazza Duca d’Aosta during my stroll on Sunday

I was met with unsurprisingly empty streets. Since I had arrived in the peak of summer, when people were weary and relieved from the passing of the first COVID wave, I expected that many Milanese would leave the city for the countryside. I wanted to appreciate the fact that the city was all mine, but I was definitely having a huge case of FOMO.

A perfect example of “New vs. Old” in the city

But I did stumble upon more people as I neared Piazza Gae Aulenti, one of my favorites in Milan because it’s next to the “plant buildings”, or more officially known as Bosco Verticale.

The perfect place to be in the summertime.

I spent a good hour here walking up and down the paths, watching people passing by and sunbathers on the many lawns scattered about. There was something about all the lush greenery that made me feel okay with slowing down and not “rushing to get to the next place”.

After spending a while among the fresh greenery, I made my way to Porta Venezia. In an attempt to find ways to socialize and meet people outside of work—and after 14 days of isolation—I scheduled a spot in a walking tour. How pathetically touristy of me 😉.

Since it was a HOT Sunday afternoon, it was just me, a volunteer walking tour guide (a sweet woman) and another expat who was actually from Japan and Germany!

The three of us managed to spend two hours together, though I had silently hoped it would only be one…my feet were killing me at this point, and I suppose it was the fact I did too much walking before the actual tour 🙈.

The buildings were pretty and I agree, the architecture was gorgeous, but the heat, my feet, and FOMO were getting to me again. I couldn’t concentrate on the walking tour guide’s voice because I was too pre-occupied with the idea that I felt like the same ol’ girl that left LA—wandering aimlessly through city streets all alone, unsure of if she’d find groups of people to actually have fun with, or even just a decent boyfriend to spend her days with.

This going out to do solo stuff was getting tiring, but I felt guilty for having these thoughts because I had just moved to a whole new country! Why couldn’t I just take a deep breath and appreciate it more?

Some of that gorgeous architecture in Porta Venezia

When the walking tour was over, I made my way back home. Of course I stopped for gelato along the way, I at least deserved that 😂.

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It’s been about 4 months since moving to Milan, and it has been a surreal experience, to say the least. To think that earlier in the year, things seemed dire and impossible, to now, where I am writing blog posts in the comfort of my monolocale in the northeast corner of the city…it’s unfathomable. And despite the eeriness of COVID that still looms above us, I have to be grateful that given the situation, life has been good. I’ve had my ups and downs (and towards the latter half of my current stay, I’ve been battling what feels like more down days than I would like), but I try to be thankful because I eventually did make it to Italy, and I have a chance to create a life of my own choosing.

I’ve realized that Milan is definitely not my city, nor is it the la città più bella in all of Italia, but I can’t complain about it’s comfortably small size and excellent safety (especially when compared to Los Angeles). Overall the people are nicer than in LA, but they certainly lack the pazienza I wish they had when it comes to my current struggle with learning Italian. I can see why it’s not much of a destination for tourists, but it is a cozy place to call home.

We’ll see where this city takes me…hopefully it will have some more good things to offer me in the future ✨