second gen desi blog – Page 4 – ⋆ Second Gen Desi ⋆

Pree March 21, 2022 Milan, Italy

Keep Calm & Carry (Yourself) On

Reading Time: 6 minutes

This month has been so calm, peaceful, and happy. I didn’t think I’d make it to such a mental state so quickly, but it’s happening.

Besides having a mini emotional breakdown at the end of January (being uncertain about the start of my business trip given the Omicron scare and waiting on the Italian consulate to process critical documentation to begin my EU Blue Card application were my triggers), I’ve felt relatively calm ever since, and I’ve welcomed it with an embrace of a mother who just saw her grown kids after 10 years 😅.

I know that I would have never found my current position in industry if it had not been for academia driving me out of toxic working conditions, but I do wonder what would have happened if I had joined my current company back in June 2020, rather than pursuing a post-doc, if everything I have been provided with so far was provided to me back then 🤔. I am almost certain Italy would have tasted sweeter.

Maybe as sweet as this donut I had the other day? I know, not Italian, but when it comes to breakfast, my cravings are all-American.

I definitely would have been over the moon about the Italian course they are willing to cover. Right now, I feel like I have to force myself to get motivated.

Despite the harsh reality I ended up having to face, I am forever grateful for the current calmness of 2022, and the calmness of my return to Milan especially. I mentioned in the linked post that I face doubts about what my current “passions” are, and if I will find success and happiness if I continue to pursue them, but I must also acknowledge that the new work-life balance I’ve found has allowed me to figure this out, day by day.

With running, I am finding my mental and physical stamina again. In the weeks leading up to my departure to Milan, I was running 9-10 miles for long runs on Sunday mornings. It was easy to zone out, get lost in my Spotify playlists, and enjoy the long Texas roads, stumbling across the occasional longhorn and galloping baby calves 😍.

While in Italy this month, I crushed my long run goals, going back to running distances that once came second nature to me. 11, 12, 13 mile long runs didn’t feel so intimidating this time around. I ran the hills of Como during these long runs, and I didn’t stop in a work anxiety-induced paralysis, which often prevented me from going the distance last year…

I feel good with my runs so far, even though I’m still off with my goal pace. But based on past experience, I know that increasing my weekly mileage will help. I’m trying to get back to where I was in 2017, where I was running 40-50 miles a week, in peak marathon training shape (pace-wise), and had built great comradery with my marathon training group as a plus. Running with people is a painkiller for me, it feels amazing to run with others, but finding a solid group of people to train with in Italy has been an impossible task. Especially due to the pandemic...

I have a half marathon in Texas scheduled in early April, and my hope while I am at home again for the next four weeks is to incorporate double runs (running in the morning and evening of the same day) again, to hit a higher weekly mileage. In Italy, it seems as though I’m better off finding people who smoke more than participate in cardiovascular exercise, frankly speaking, but we’ll see what happens as the months progress. While in Texas, it shouldn’t be too hard to stop by a Fleet Feet for a weeknight or weekend morning run with a group of like-minded runners 😀.

With writing, I go through moments of impassioned writing bursts, or days of procrastination. I think all writers can relate. Last year, I decided to stop writing short-forms on IG because it is a platform that doesn’t appreciate that kind of work. So now, my writing has become a private endeavor in the short-term, and this tests my patience immensely.

Coffee shop working and writing has always been a hobby of mine. It’s not a usual thing to do in Italy though…

I’ve chosen to keep the details of my writing projects private for now, but my close friends are writers themselves, and it’s been nice being able to bounce ideas off of them now and then. When I was back home, it was easier to write after work, and after an evening run. While in Italy, finding motivation to write in the evenings has been difficult, but I’m trying not to force myself if I don’t feel like it. I’m hoping for more days where I can bust out work in less than an hour due to passion (lol), like a post I wrote regarding Women’s Day. But even if those days are rare for now, I’m trying to use this time to figure out what works best for me when it comes to creating a “writing routine”.

Last week, I was successful in devoting 30 minutes to one of my projects every day, no matter what. Even if some of those sessions were not extremely productive, the minutes I had my doc open helped me in some form with the process as a whole. I’m hoping to continue meeting these “mini goals” because it’s better than not doing anything at all!

With my career, it’s something I’ve said a number of times but still holds true—leaving academia meant getting my mental health back. There is no doubt that me talking about running and writing here is because now I have the time to invest in them again.

I was also able to work remotely 2x a week while I was in Italy! It made long walks or lunchtime breaks outdoors so easy to fit in, and it definitely made me happy…

My job so far has been so perfect in terms of work-life balance, but even within the role, there have been discussions on what I can be involved with in the near future. Like, pipeline stuff. In the industry, this refers to a series of projects the company is working on or plans to work on. Some of the items proposed to me sound really exciting, and sound like they would utilize my skillset. Makes me feel important 😌

With life abroad, I still don’t know if I desire anything new. I had really high hopes during my first Italy stint, but learning the language is something that no longer excites me. Still, I will give it my best shot with the classes my company is offering me, it’s the least I can do, but if I had to choose between becoming an elite runner overnight or waking up speaking fluent Italian? I’d go with elite runner, hands down.

Do I want to travel? Sure, but only if the travel is spent with people I want to be with. I still haven’t been south of Florence when it comes to Italy. I’m saving places like Rome and Naples for when people I love can join me on those adventures. In the near-term, I don’t expect my family or close friends to be able to afford to see me in Italy, and so I have no complaints about going to see them where they are. My friend in Germany recently invited me to join her in Turkey for a few days during the summer to attend a wedding. I’d love to join her for that, only so I can spend quality time with her. I’ve heard Turkey is beautiful, but I don’t have the desire to go by myself at the moment. Such a stark difference from my solo travel days…

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It’s nice to be able to reflect on these past few weeks and be happy with them. I can only hope that things continue to go well and develop to my liking, but like I mentioned in a post from a few weeks ago, I’m attempting to adopt a “cruise control” attitude for all of these things. I know now that I can experience calmness for a long period, and that makes me feel so good.

And it only further drives home the point that our environment is so powerful, so do whatever you can to put yourself in a place that gives you the best possible.

Pree March 8, 2022 Earth

A Women’s Day Reflection

Reading Time: 4 minutes

With this post, I risk people not agreeing with me, but that’s okay. If this sparks discussion, debate, and helps others to think from a different perspective, I am all for it.

I did not know Women’s Day existed until I came to Italy. I grew up in a country where we get time off for presidents, activists, veterans, and military, but the closest thing to Women’s Day I was familiar with was Mother’s Day. And to me, that day grew tense with each passing year.

As my mother succumbed more and more to her mental illness, I resented the fact that there was a day to celebrate her. In my teenage mind, she didn’t deserve it. I would see her verbally and emotionally abuse my father every day without fail, yet, my father would still ask my sister and I to make her a card, and he’d still show up with a bouquet of flowers just to show her he cared.

Despite his kind intentions, she would always find a reason to be suspicious of him. Or yell at him because he bought the flowers from Albertson’s instead of Raley’s.

And when Father’s Day came around? She never did anything special for him. It was up to my sister and I to let our father know we cared. That we needed him and loved him for sticking around.

When I think back to my high school days, I can’t imagine how much psychological torment he had to internalize. There would be nights she would be triggered by the simplest things. If she began yelling at me or my sister, our father would be ready, like a superhero with his shield, ready to deflect her anger from us towards him.

It would give us some modicum of peace to finish homework, but to hear her berate him for hours and hours into the night was not something my sister and I were comfortable with.

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Even with these tense family dynamics, I still grew up a “staunch feminist”. Perhaps it was my mom’s unsubstantiated opinions of men that were ingrained in me for years, but the “men are evil, fear them” “mantra” I grew up with was hard to shake off—until I learned to listen and understand the other side.

When I first met my boyfriend in Italy and we were learning about each other, I shared something nonchalantly on social media that upset him:

The whole pepper spray thing is a topic for another day 😅😅

It was supposed to be a hit at women in my circle who hinted that I need to live in fear and carry pepper spray, but the way I phrased my stance was a hit at all men, and that wasn’t fair. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but seeing how upset it made him feel led me to probe further discussions with him about the topic, which is something I am immensely appreciative for.

I didn’t realize the suicide rate in men is twice as high as for women, on a global scale, and that their access to mental health support is still strongly stigmatized. And what about the “biggest shocker“, that yes, boys and men can be victims of sexual assault and rape, with it being reported that in the US alone, 1 out of every 10 rape victims are male.

These discussions made me realize that gender equality is an extremely convoluted topic that is constantly vacillating from one side to the other. It shouldn’t be about prioritizing one group over another if the goal is equality, yet if we prioritize Women’s Day with flowers and protests, and laugh off Men’s Day (which, by the way is November 19th) as a “creation of jealous men”, we will never achieve the equality we all say we are striving for.

Wonder if the woman who received these mimosa flowers (Italy’s famous tradition) appreciated it, expected it, or yelled at her boy for getting it from the wrong florist 😅

Yes, there are a lot of places in this world where men have a powerful influence and women are stripped of their rights. In South Asian countries and places with similar cultural ideals, this is a huge issue. The recent, artfully-crafted Malayalam movie, Great Indian Kitchen, demonstrated this eloquently.

But even in these cultures, men still suffer. In the South Asian space, Ram of @desi_brotherhood shares relevant information via Instagram feed posts in an unbiased way, and has shared a number of posts regarding domestic violence, mental health, and suicide issues that affect South Asian women and men.

Compared to South Asia, the overall context is different in the Western world. Even though domestic violence is rampant, especially without a doubt in the USA, women in the Western world still do experience a lot more freedoms compared to women of other countries. When I see the stereotypical “Karen” complain more than she should about how “men need to be the providers”, it does irritate me. These are the same women who claim they are independent, self-sufficient, and strong, yet expect “their man” to be the breadwinner and foot the bill of their shopping sprees because “they deserve it!”. This then leads to some men using these women as excuses for not supporting women’s rights, and it ends up being a vicious cycle.

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My intent with this post is not to divert attention from Women’s Day, but to serve as a reflection. I have only a handful of women in my life who I love with all my heart. Who deserve everything beautiful in this world because they truly do deserve it, but there are men in my life who deserve just the same.

So while today is a good day to celebrate women, our love for them, and their achievements, let’s be kind, thoughtful, and empathetic women and do the same for the amazing men in our lives when it’s their turn.

At the end of the day, we shouldn’t be celebrating the chromosomes one carries, but rather the individual those chromosomes serve as roots for.

Pree March 6, 2022 Milan, Italy

Cruise Control

Reading Time: 4 minutes

As a millennial, I am oftentimes torn between feeling proud of my current “status” in life, or deeply disappointed.

It’s hard for me to remind myself that I lived an incredibly rich life before my Italy adventure. Good moments that led to trying ones, that eventually led to powerful recoveries and maturity.

A parent’s mental illness. Depression and an eating disorder. Struggling with my identity. My shyness about love and relationships.

These are events that shaped my 20s, and because I survived these ordeals, I thought I came out stronger than ever before. I even let Johnny Dagger ink a blooming lotus on my arm before I left for Italy, to remind myself of what a lotus represents:

Enlightenment and Rebirth

But, little did I know that the Italy adventure I envisioned would dismantle within weeks from when I got the tattoo. The pandemic delayed my start, but once I did get the greenlight to go, things eventually got crazy.

Depression popped up again. Homesickness after feeling unwelcome and taken for granted. Developing a newfound love for my home country.

These were initially unwanted feelings that I eventually embraced. And while things did eventually sort themselves out, I left 2021 a heavily-changed person:

I used to love the idea of being a nomad. Since moving out for grad school in 2014, I’ve been associated with eight different addresses. With my initial move to Italy, I welcomed the three years abroad that were initially ensured under my research fellowship. I actually thought life would be so much better here, but…

As months slowly drudged on by, I realized that perhaps I should be wanting “normal” life things, like a stable residence and job. Jumping around labs in the world of academia, even if the research was great and the experience was enriching, could never match what a standard industry job could offer. I realized my desire for a 401k was taking priority over feverishly publishing papers to add to my CV.

An emotionally-numbing experience in academia abroad, during one of the worst (psychological) periods of humanity, soured my first stint in Italy, but escaping academia and finding a home in industry saved me. Despite miraculously finding a suitable, more-welcoming job, this experience has undoubtedly shaken me in regards to being confident about my purpose. It has made me question if I truly love what I do, or if I chose this path because it was “safe” and “not so controversial”, say, compared to the desire of wanting to become a Hollywood celebrity 😂.

But at least while I ruminate over these thoughts, I can continue to appreciate and enjoy the relative calmness and kindness 2022 has granted (my) life with.

Circumstances with my new job have allowed me with an interesting opportunity—while waiting for my visa, I’m splitting my time between Houston and Milan. One month here, One month there. One month of Dad’s Bru, one month of vending machine cappuccinos.

Cappuccinos from local bars are nice too. This one was from a bar in Milan’s Vigentino neighborhood.

And knowing that my role will be heavily involved with North America while being based out of Italy? On paper, it’s like the best of both worlds.

But at the same time, I am having trouble understanding what my true passions are at this point. What is my purpose even?

The stability of my new job has allowed me to approach my past passions with more motivation, but at the same time, I doubt myself in regards to what I can accomplish, and what I want to accomplish:

With running, when will I be running at an elite runner’s pace? A goal stifled as early as late 2017?

How will I know if my writing projects will get anywhere? I don’t want to write “just for fun”. For me, I want it to lead to something greater…

Will I really pick up Italian “with time” like a random guy at work said I would? Or am I too exhausted (and scared, of failing) to even try?

Life was so much easier before social media took over. I’ve lost track of my passions and who I really am in some ways. What can I do to find myself again?

Like anyone in this world, I want to be validated, appreciated, respected, and loved. Figuring out how to achieve all this is the hard part. I’m turning 30 in a few months, and I would be lying if I didn’t say that scares me. I looked at a random savings calculator online and I supposedly have the “right” amount saved in the bank for my age, but I can’t help but wonder if I’m making the right investments, or if my choice to continuously rent is wise or risky in this market.

Growing up, and getting older is never easy, but at least the detour I took in recent months has benefited my mental health tremendously. And if I learned anything from these recent experiences, there is only so much I can control. And I think escaping toxic workplaces and minimizing time on mind-numbing social media platforms is a good thing.

Putting 2022 in cruise control seems like a wise enough decision to me.

Pree November 25, 2021 Italy

Italy & Me: What’s Next for 2022

Reading Time: 4 minutes

If you’ve been following me for a while on social media, then you know I’m not the kind of person to shy away from the truth.

At the same time, my truth can change depending on the season I’m experiencing in life…and if you’ve been following my journey this past year, then you can safely assume it’s been quite a challenging season for me in Italy…

What started as an exciting, new adventure that happened to coincide with my budding career in academia soon turned into a whirlwind existential crisis. Suffering through a second wave of COVID lockdowns, struggling with a new work environment, and experiencing disappointment with my attempts at cultural assimilation led me to come head-to-head with my depression again.

And the biggest trigger was my current job, which ironically was what allowed me to come to Italy in the first place.

Winter 2020 was when I first began to feel academia would never be the place for me. I thought that the fellowship opportunity I was provided with in Italy would reignite a spark for academic research—that a successful stint in Italy would perhaps push me to pursue a tenured professorship position soon after.

In my situation, the complete opposite happened. I realized that the things I wanted to prioritize for my life and career—financial security, work/life balance, benefits—were better achieved within industry. These things could be achieved in academia, but given that the current number of post-docs significantly outnumbers available faculty positions, it would take a helluva lot more work (and luck!) to get to a place of security in academia.

Despite the ups and downs of the job hunt I fell into this year, I managed to find a unique, career-boosting opportunity that was exactly in line with my newfound career goals. It’s been a slow but interesting process to undergo, and to see it firmly taking shape in recent weeks has been such a relief.

Found a nice spot to run to in the north part of Milan—staircase to some great sunrise views!

So, what does this all mean for me and Italy?

I’m joining a pharmaceutical company in a scientific communications role! When I stumbled upon this opportunity, I was absolutely thrilled. The timing happened to work out well with the company’s needs and what I was looking for. Best of all, the job description seemed to tick off all the boxes for items that would make me competitive for a similar role in industry (medical science liaison; MSL) in the future, as I further my career…

Obviously this opportunity will allow me to continue to stay in Italy for now, but…I’ve realized that Italy is not long-term for me. As a US citizen with a biology doctorate, I know that financially, I am better off returning to the US after gaining industry experience—especially if I am to pursue a medical affairs career that has the potential to develop into an executive role. They say money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy security. Safety. A comfortable retirement. The freedom to pursue other passions while not feeling pressured to rely on them for income…

This overall experience has helped me to firmly organize my priorities. I want to grow in my career. Get back to serious training with my running. Pursue writing projects I hope to develop into something big and invigorating…

Living abroad for a substantial period of time has also made me feel a new appreciation for home and my family.

Since I know Italy isn’t long-term, this also means a shift in my priorities. I’m not too hung up on learning Italian, at least as much as I was when I first moved to Italy. Establishing this in my mind takes a huge amount of pressure off—especially in regards to no longer taking offense by people who switch to English and prevent me from practicing Italian in the first place 😂!

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Going into the new year, I’m excited to work remotely for a few weeks in the US before returning to Italy. We’ll (my new company and I) be working towards an EU Blue Card as my new visa, so that will be an interesting experience to go through and document 😅.

Even though my priorities and future outlook have metamorphosed in regards to Italy and I, I am truly excited for my new career venture. And let me just say—compared to academia, my overall compensation package is 🤩. Being able to carry out a job with skills you’re passionate about, while getting appropriately compensated for it, is every career-oriented millennial’s dream, that’s for sure!

Alright 2022, let’s get going! I’m ready to make moves in my career, and let the ripple effect flow into other aspects of my life! 😉

Pree September 23, 2021 Chennai, India

His 101st: A Tribute to VVR

Reading Time: 3 minutes

I am so happy to share a piece my Dad wrote in honor of his father’s—my thatha’s—101st birthday! My thatha, fondly known as VVR, was a chemistry professor, Hindu scholar, and family man all in one lifetime. Read below to see why he is revered by everyone who knew him well ❤️.

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On my beloved father V.V.Ramanujam’s birthday

A year ago, I shared a tribute to Dr. VVR in this forum on his 100th birth anniversary. My family and I were truly moved by the response of the Tambrahm community. Today, he will have been 101. Far from the year dimming his memory, it has only sharpened my appreciation for the gift that was my father.

One time, a few years before his departure for the heavens, he took ill and was admitted to the ICU. After heroic measures, the doctors pretty much shrugged and told us to prepare for the worst. After a long overnight vigil during which he almost left us, he came back and the doctor that examined him the next morning said, “I have no explanation for this miracle. This is nothing to do with medicine. His almighty must have a plan and a purpose for him!”

During this time, Sri. Ramanujar’s 1000th anniversary was a mere 3 years away and VVR was immersed in furiously completing his life’s passion—writing Emberumanar (Sri. Ramanujar’s) vaibhavam. We know this is why he was not allowed to depart. Though he could not complete his work before 2017, we were all ecstatic that VVR was able to celebrate the day in person. While he attained Ramanuja’s thiruvadigal before the publication of the book, we are blessed that the book was released this year. This work of devotion was a culmination of a lifetime of writing over 18 books in Vaishnava Philosophy.

There is nothing I can say here that I had not shared a year earlier. But as time flows, and I reflect, I am awed by his sheer grace. Hope you will indulge me as I share with his human side. Scholarly as he was, steeped in Visishtadhvaitam as he was, immersed in devotion as he was, he never compelled his children to master the tomes or to observe the orthodoxy that he respected so. If today, we have any wisdom at all, it is the blessing his proximity brought.

He has been variously called a Vaishnava simham or jewel, but I think of him as a flower that lends its fragrance to the string (naaru) that is me. It is somehow appropriate because many around him partook the nectar that is his wisdom like bees from a flower. Alas, not me. But his affection, I could not help but drown in. He loved his children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren beyond measure. I can still see so fresh in my mind’s eye his gap-toothed smile and much later a toothless grin.

In his latter years, the younger generations would gather, filling the house with chaos, with television blaring, kids playing and older generation arguing the topic of the day and he would be quietly performing his nithyanu santanam or be engaged in his writing, without ever furrowing his brows or uttering one complaint. I would think he was just being tolerant, suppressing his irritation. Now I realize, he was completely in love with this celebration, this joy that is family life.

They say a worth of a man’s life is the tracks he makes. My father certainly left a mark with immense contribution of the highest caliber to Hindu literature. Thanks to Google and the kainkaryam of his disciples, his work will live online forever. But the true measure of a life is the pride his family takes in being a part of his legacy. His children, grandchildren, and great grands, scattered over the world, will to a soul would say they are so proud to be VVR’s descendant.

That is ultimately his gift from his beloved Lord. Pathasarathy.